Welcome to my Ski Comedy section.
This section is a collection of funny or interested ski related articles.
Top Ten #1---Top Ten #2---Excuses---Beyond Extreme
If you have anything to add please tell me here.
This page was last updated on August 20, 1996
(Author: Toby Weickert)
Top Ten Things to do on a Chairlift
- Stick your tongue to something metal!
- Do not get off at the top!
- Tell stories about falling chairlifts!
- Spit on people below!
- Lean as far forward as possible while swinging the chair with the bar up!
- Talk to yourself!
- Make animal noises!
- Throw snowballs!
- Try and lick your own nose!
- Act like you are going to vomit!
Top Ten Things to do to prepare for the upcoming ski season
- Visit you local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
- Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
- For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $3.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker.
- Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
- Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday!
UNACCEPTABLE EXCUSES FOR NOT SKIING
- It's too cold.
- It's too hot.
- I was arrested.
- I don't feel like it.
- I'm hungover.
- My pant's are too tight.
- The Lifts are closed.
- I'm reading powder.
- My mother-in-law is in town.
- I ate a bad burrito.
- I've got to work.
- They're checking tickets today.
- I couldn't get a babysitter.
- It's a Malaysian national holiday.
- My car won't start.
- My roommates car won't start.
- My girlfriend's cousin's car won't start.
- I can't make bail.
- I have hat head.
- It's snowing.
- I've been kidnapped by a gang of radical sheep herders.
- I'm broke.
- I'm loaded.
- It's not snowing
- I haven't finished reding the skiers responsibility code.
- I live in a desert.
- I have to come up with a list of stupid excuses.
- The lift lines are going to suck.
- My feet hurt.
- I've got wicked gas.
- It's too icy.
- There's an asteroid headed towards the Earth.
- I can't get a ride.
- There's a big game on.
- The pass is closed.
- I have a court appearance.
- The mountain's on wind hold.
- It's August.
- I've got to mount twenty pairs of rental skiis.
- My car doors are frozen solid.
- I 've got a mid-term tomorrow.
- I'm a big fat lard a$$!
- I'm dead.
(Author: Unknown, Salomon Advertisment, September 1996, Powder Magazine)
You know you're taking skiing beyond extreme when...
- You can identify different brands of ski wax by taste.
- You have bindings installed on the brake and accelarator pedals of your car.
- You can't gp more than 10 minutes without checking The Weather Channel.
- You have your wing tips canted with forward lean.
- You try to buy a half-day ticket at the theater.
- You do office work by alternating 15-minute spans of frenzied activity followed by 15 minutes of just sitting in your chair.
- You only eat at cafeterias that allow you to pay triple what your lunch is worth.
- You sew ear flaps onto your golf visor.
- You have 100 people on your Christmas list and they're all lift operators.
- You replace your underarm deodorant with Swix spay-on-wax.
- You convert all measurments listed in Playboy to vertical feet.
- You have 10 speed dial numbers on your cellular phone and nine are for ski condition hotlines. The tenth is the call-in-sick number at work.
(Author: Jim Neff, January 1994, Ski Magazine)
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