I’m fighting it.

Throughout my life I’ve had a tendency to fall deeply in love. In the first grade I fell head over heels for a classmate named Melanie Meyers. She moved away and I never saw her again until the summer of 1988 (3 years later). It took me until half way through that school year to finally get over her. At that age 3 years was over a third of my life - crazy eh? I used to pray to God every night that Melanie would love me. Of course I don’t really pray anymore, but things haven’t changed much as I aged.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself and I don’t feel like the Lone Ranger here. I know that most people go through the same pains of a breakup that I’m going through, but after all of the heartbreaks I’ve been through, it just never seems to get any easier. This time I am trying something new. I’m trying very hard to “make the break-up work”. I know she wants to live her own life and where I normally would spend all my energy at forcing something that was not meant to work, this time I’m focusing all my attention at NOT trying to win her back. I find that for me, it’s an extremely hard thing to do.

I want to give her things. I want to call her everyday. I want to fly to Vancouver and see her. I’m trying hard not to do these things.

I don’t want to date anyone for awhile - or at least keep my dates to 1 or 2 per person and then move on; nothing serious for a bit.

After I broke up with my previous girlfriend, I started to date Anna-Maria almost immediately afterwards. This helped me get through the break-up but it built a weak foundation for our new relationship. I was too depressed to properly “woo” Anna-Maria and hence the great memories of our courtship are largely composed of my wallowing for the last girl. I feel horrible for doing that to Anna-Maria and I don’t want to do that to whomever I date next. I have to hand it to Anna for keeping me around through those early days.

I need to get my life in order. I need to work on becoming a better person. To that end I’m going to try and disconnect for a few days (baby steps here). I believe I spend way too much time on the computer and I blame that part of myself for neglecting Anna-Maria. So I’m just going to unplug it for 48 hours. It might not seem like much, but believe me it’ll be a good goal for me.