Knock, knock

Who’s there?

The interrupting cow.

The interrupting cow…

MOO!

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ‘em bit me leg off”.

“Blimey!” said the seaman. “What about the hook”?

“Ahhhh…”, mused the pirate, “We were boardin’ a trader ship, pistols blastin’ and swords swingin’ this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off.”

“Blimey!” remarked the seaman. “And how came ye by the eye patch?”

“A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye”, answered the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the pirate; ” it was me first day with the hook.”
______________________

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed for his red shirt. The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?”

The captain replied: “If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won’t notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid.” All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted: “Bring me my brown pants!”

You might not think it’s worth it, but I found this blond joke to be pretty funny.

So I went to the funeral last week and I have to say, though sometimes funerals can bring you down, this one was very nice.

I don’t know how appropriate it is to joke about funerals after just having been to one, but I cannot resist:

Found on the web:

A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”

“No,” she insists. “It must be a blue suit.” She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director, “That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?”

He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So, I switched the heads.”

Here is a joke I found whilst stumbling around the Internet this morning:

—-

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

• a half-gallon of 2% milk
• a carton of eggs
• a quart of orange juice
• a head of romaine lettuce
• a 2 lb. can of coffee
• and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk man standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk man slurred, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the stranger’s intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped him off to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk man touched the side of his nose twice, winked, and lisped, “‘cuz you’re ugly.”

—-

Happy Thanksgiving.

A friend of mine recently sent me the following forward. I had seen it before but like it enough that it deserves to be shared. Snopes has their take on it too.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Florida chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the internet, which is, of course, why we have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant of that law. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that the souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls will go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell because Boyles law states that in order for the temperature and pressure of Hell to stay the same, the volume in Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than that rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all hell breaks
loose.

2.Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year, “That it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then number 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only “A” given.

Conspiracy theories aside, here is an email I got today. I realize it’s just a silly forward, but it made me laugh.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN:

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws
4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people.”
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Someone in your family died right after saying: “Hey watch this.”
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
18. You think “loaded dishwasher” means your wife is drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.