Category: humor

Categories
humor

The Grinch’s True End

An Open Letter
By John Moe

TO: THE GRINCH
FROM: MAX YOUR FORMER FRIEND AND DOG

Dear Steven,
It’s been several months now since you left and I remained here on Mt. Crumpet in the home we built together. I think it’s important that I share my feelings. I hate you Steven. Hate; hate; hate you.

For years we stood for something. We hated the Whos. Like we always said if it weren’t for Christmas and the Who’s infernal screeching of “carols”, we would have had absolute quiet all year long and isn’t that why we moved to Mt. Crumpet in the first place, Steven? Every December our meditation, gardening and literary work were shattered with “Wahoo-Boraice” or whatever that stupid song was. Have you learned it yet? Well have you? The Whos ruined our lives. Annually. And then you joined them. And why? WHY?! Because you heard them sing. Who was I living with all those years? Honestly, if you know, tell me Steven.

And, by the way, there was nothing wrong with your heart. I have, in our big file cabinet, a report from the Dr. that says while your heart was abnormally small (5th percentile), it was completely functional and unless you attempt to run a triathlon, you’re fine. And all that aside, your heart has nothing to do with your emotions. You left your Zoloft here, by the way. If you haven’t picked up a new prescription, I will send it down to you but you should really renew it.

Alone up here on Mt. Crumpet my thoughts have turned to that night. In retrospect, there were many mistakes. You shouldn’t have worn a Santa suit. Also you should not have engaged Cindy Lou Who — at all. I’m not sure what inverted Stockholm syndrome took place while I waited on the roof, but I do know that it all could have been solved with a hard shove and a quick exit. Additionally we should have stashed the Christmas crap and then left town right away … the shore, Cozumel, my parents’ place even.

But really the problem was the Whos. They’re stupid, Steven. People who get robbed and then sing with joy are stupid people. And now you’ve gone to live with them, in a ̬ what? Hut? — I can’t blame them anymore for being who they are. Perhaps I can’t even blame you for being who you evidently were all along. Perhaps I can only blame myself for seeing you as the one I spent all those years with. The one I thought shared my yearning for solitude and my deep and justified hatred for everyone else. But that was not you. You are a Who. Enjoy the roast beast. Whatever. Jerk.

Max

(Excerpt from Dear Luke, We Need to Talk, Dad Darth: And Other Pop Culture Correspondences)

Grinch letter (PDF)

Categories
Art humor

The Rocketpack Guide to making…An Independent Film

In an effort to educate the masses via easily drawn stick figures my friend Gavin has put together a quick step-by-step explanation of how indie films are made. New Media students and Drama geeks alike — take note.

Categories
culture humor

This Hour Has 22 Minutes – I’m Sorry

I found this quote and thought it’s ever so relevant during the “difficult time” the US is now going through. You know, the “situation” where there actually are no weapons of mass destruction to be found in Iraq. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I am sticking up for Saddam Hussein or his fallen regime — it’s just that the USA has certainly put its “credibility” in jeopardy. Enjoy:

A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of comedian Colin Mochrie from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television aired on 11 February 2003:

Hello. I’m Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I’d like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven’t been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I’m sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn’t nice of us to point it out. If it’s any consolation, the fact that he’s a moron shouldn’t reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it’s not like you actually elected him.

I’m sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn’t give us the right to sell you lumber that’s cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you’d never do that.

I’m sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I’m sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you’re going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I’m sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you’ve rebuilt it! It’s very nice.

I’m sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note.

Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I’m sorry that we’re constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you’re not upset over this. Because we’ve seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I’m Anthony St. George, and I’m sorry.

Categories
humor

Andrew Carlssin – the insider trader from the future

I’ve had quite a few people looking for details about Andrew Carlssin, the insider trader from the future. Here is the low down on the future man:

Andrew Carlssinwwn time traveller

[Collected on the Internet, 2003]
‘TIME-TRAVELER’ BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK — Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges — and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

“We don’t believe this guy’s story — he’s either a lunatic or a pathological liar,” says an SEC insider.

“But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks’ time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can’t be pure luck.

“The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He’s going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources.”

[Link to Yahoo article ‘TIME-TRAVELER’ BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING]

All I need to tell you about this article is that it originated in the Weekly World News an entertainment tabloid devoted to arousing curiosity and to catering to popular superstitions. They often do so with flashy headlines designed to astonish (e.g. Half-man Half-woman Makes Self Pregnant and no I don’t have a link). Unfortunately, as I have learned the hard way, Yahoo!, a primary news source for many people on the Internet, makes it a habbit of reprinting some Weekly World News articles under the heading of “Entertainment News & Gossip,” a title that to me doesn’t convey a strong “bogus” warning to readers who don’t notice the original source is the Weekly World News or don’t know what the Weekly World News is.

Dispite this article’s shady origins I have noticed it reprinted in a variety of newspaper and magazine sites verbatim and published as a “real” news item. Apparently FBI and US Security officials have been inundated with a rash of inquiries from reporters and journalists seeking to confirm this outrageous story.

The spokesman at the US Security and Exchange Commission in Washington has been asked a lot about the mysterious time traveller.

“This story is pure fantasy. There is no truth in it at all,” he says. “This is the kind of story that belongs in the same file as ‘Elvis Shrine Found on Mars.’

“You know something? We have had an enormous number of calls from the media on this one. It has been absolutely amazing. Of course, we had to look into it, but as far as we know, it’s just not true.”

At FBI Headquarters in Washington, spokesman Bill Carter is also well aware of the story. “I had a call about this yesterday too,” he sighs. “When I think about it, the other call came from Britain too.

“Look,” he continues. “I doubt very much the veracity of the story. I am not aware of any individual who has made 350 million on the stock market with an 800 stake.”

In a follow-up article on 29 April 2003, the Weekly World News reported that mysterious time-traveling Andrew Carlssin had been bailed out by an “unidentified benefactor” who ponied up $1 million, then jumped bail before an April 3 court hearing and disappeared without a trace.

“Still, it takes more than cold, hard facts to curb a worldwide fascination with time travel. After all, it was none other than Albert Einstein who, using little more than high-school maths, discovered in 1905 that travelling at fast speeds actually slows down time. To put the theory to the test, in 1971 scientists Joe Hafele and Richard Keating put highly accurate atomic clocks into aeroplanes and flew them around the world. According to Einstein’s calculations, on their return they should have read 59 nanoseconds slow compared with identical clocks on the ground — they did. Rack up the speed to a much more significant level and who knows where it might take you. Just remember, the truth is out there…”

Categories
humor

You Know You’re Trailer Trash When Joke

Conspiracy theories aside, here is an email I got today. I realize it’s just a silly forward, but it made me laugh.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN:

  1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
  5. Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people.”
  6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  7. Someone in your family died right after saying: “Hey watch this.”
  8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  9. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
  10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
  11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
  12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
  14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
  15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  17. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
  18. You think “loaded dishwasher” means your wife is drunk.
  19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
  20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
Categories
humor

CBC Radio

Nothing funny or amusing to report today. So instead of a funny or even slightly amusing story, I’ll relate the lame pun I heard on CBC Radio last night while driving home to lethbridge:

“[With increasing threats from George W. to Saddam Hussien Canada is left between Iraq and a hard place.]”

Yuk. Yuck.