Category: humor

Categories
Apple humor

Woman Rescued from Outhouse After Climbing in to Retrieve Apple Watch

This story by the AP and commentary by Gruber is just too good to not quote completely:

The Associated Press:

A woman was rescued Tuesday from an outhouse toilet in northern Michigan after she climbed in to retrieve her Apple Watch and became trapped. The woman, whose name was not released, lowered herself inside the toilet after dropping the watch at the Department of Natural Resources boat launch at Dixon Lake in Otsego County’s Bagley Township, state police said Wednesday in a release.

First responders were called when the woman was heard yelling for help. The toilet was removed and a strap was used to haul the woman out. “If you lose an item in an outhouse toilet, do not attempt to venture inside the containment area. Serious injury may occur,” state police said in the release.

Tim Cook had a good line in the keynote last week about people’s attachment to their iPhones and Apple Watches: “If you left either one at home, I bet you’d go back to get it.”

Home, yes. Outhouse, no.

It reminds about the guy who was caught dropping a $100 bill down the outhouse as his friend accidentally walked in on him. The friend asked him what he was doing. The guy responded, “I dropped $10 down there and there’s no way I’m climbing down there for $10.”

Categories
bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

Transformers: Rise of the Beasts: “In all fairness, I think I might have enjoyed this film if I was nine years old.” — James Berardinelli, Reelviews

The Out-Laws: “The Out-Laws, a diversion at most, is streaming purgatory incarnate. It isn’t a movie to be devoured in one viewing, nor necessarily finished at all.” — Michael Frank, The Spool

65: “65 should only be recommended after one has run out of films to watch, which might not be for many years.” — Danielle Solzman, Solzy at the Movies

The Tutor: “I can’t decide if it’s so bad it’s good or if it’s just plain old bad.” — Christy Lemire, FilmWeek

The Flood: “Slagle and co. take the material so seriously — and not in a way that results in appealing camp — that there is barely any fun to be had here, period, regardless of the number of brewchachos consumed during its mercifully brief runtime.” — Steven Warner, In Review Online

Fast X: “Out of gas. Spinning its tires. Stuck in the ditch. Slid too far off the road. Grinding its gears. Crashed and burning with one wheel spinning. Insert your automobile cliche here.” — John Serba, Decider

Categories
bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

Under the Tuscan Sun: “Who thought combining Under the Tuscan Sun with The Godfather was a good idea?” — Dustin Chase, Galveston Daily News

The Super Mario Bros. Movie: “It is the laziest possible version of a Mario movie, and for most viewers, young and old, that’ll be totally acceptable.” — Dylan Roth, Observer

Renfield: “To watch Renfield is to get the impression that someone made a successful elevator pitch, then panicked.” — Alan Zilberman, Spectrum Culture

Love Again: “Your heart will go on, and your eyes will look away in embarrassment.” — A.A. Dowd Chron

Big George Foreman: The Miraculous Story of the Once and Future Champion of the World: “This corny and awkward biopic of boxing champ George Foreman makes his unusual life look dreadfully formulaic. The entire movie is like a limp punching bag filled with nothing but hot air.” — Carla Hay, Culture Mix

Categories
bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

Black Adam: “Should really be called ‘Bland Adam’.” — Brian Lloyd, entertainment.ie

Emancipation: “It’s a fantasy that can’t match the power of the photograph from which it’s derived.” — Adam Graham, Detroit News

Empire of Light: “There is a certain odour wafting out of writer-director Sam Mendes’s Empire of Light that approximates the stomach-churning scent of scalding, rancid butter ladled atop stale popcorn.” — Barry Hertz, Globe and Mail

Ticket to Paradise: “Ticket to Paradise has actors saying lines on locations and sets and enacting characters in a scenario, so one supposes it meets the technical criteria to be called a movie, but that is the absolute best thing that could be said about it.” — Matt Lynch, In Review Online

The Mean One: “Amateurish…I did not care for ‘The Mean One’ mess. I do not like bastardized Seuss, I confess.” — Roger Moore, Movie Nation

Categories
bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

The Greatest Beer Run Ever: “One thing is abundantly clear: Smokey and the Bandit is still, and without much competition, cinema’s greatest beer run. And that movie managed to deliver a whole truckload of beer without doing any disservice to the Vietnam War.” — William Bibbiani, Consequence

Amsterdam: “To describe Amsterdam as an unfunny comedy would be unfair, because it’s so much more than that. It’s also a non-thrilling thriller and a not particularly mysterious mystery.” — Kyle Smith, WSJ

Blonde: “If you are hankering for a film where you are a toilet bowl and Marilyn Monroe pukes in your face, this film will not let you down.” — Bob Grimm, Reno News and Review

Luckiest Girl Alive: “[…] no one, especially not the viewer, is lucky.” — Amy Amatangelo, Paste Magazine

The Munsters: “There’s a hint of a decent origin story here but it all crumbles like a vampire at daybreak.” — Randy Myers, San Jose Mercury News

Categories
bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

Jurassic World Dominion: “How many ways can you screw up a dinosaur movie? It seems like a slam dunk. The people are coming for the dinosaurs, so you give them dinosaurs. When you’re not doing that, just point your camera at Jeff Goldblum” — Chris McCoy, Memphis Flyer

Persuasion: “Austen works hard. But mediocrity, this movie reminds us, works harder.” — Rolling Stone

Morbius: “To call Morbius a corporate corpse of a movie is too kind.” — Matthew Pejkovic, Matt’s Movie Reviews

Where the Crawdads Sing: “Oh, the crawdads definitely sing in ‘Where the Crawdads Sing.’ Much of the time, you wish they’d shut the hell up.” — Chris Hewitt, Minneapolis Star Tribune

Alone Together: “One can’t help but wish that Holmes’ script would acknowledge that, on the sliding scale of March 2020 suffering, wealthy people sheltering in beautiful chateaus are pretty low.” — Aurora Amidon, Paste Magazine

Categories
bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore: “If you don’t like fantastic beasts in your ‘Fantastic Beasts’ movie, then this is the film for you.” — Doug Walker, Channel Awesome

Firestarter: “I hope nobody subscribed to Peacock for this. You got a lame duck instead.” — Korey Coleman, Double Toasted

Uncharted: “It’s not poorly written for a video game-based movie. It’s poorly written for a ransom note. It’s poorly written by the standards of online comment sections. It’s poorly written compared to an Ayn Rand novel. It’s that bad.” — Ryan Syrek, The Reader

Father Stu: “It feels like someone involved thought, ‘We’re going to win so many Oscars with this movie!’ In fact, the end result comes off more like one of those joke movies in Tropic Thunder.” — Edward Douglas, The Weekend Warrior

Memory: “I wish I could forget it!” — Christy Lemire, Film Week

Categories
bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

The King’s Daughter: “January is often where bad films are stashed, but The King’s Daughter isn’t just bad, it’s a cloying, clichéd mess that’s not worth even the slightest risk of contacting COVID-19 to see in theaters.” — Mark Kennedy, Associated Press

Sensation: “Sensation wants to be a deep movie…[but] those depths rapidly become shallower and shallower until we’re left splashing in puddles. Ultimately, the only sensation you’ll get from this film is mild disappointment.” — Allen Adams, The Maine Edge

The 355: “The nicest thing I can say is it reminded me of a very funny scene in another movie.” — Chase Hutchinson, The Stranger

The Legend of La Llorona: “This umpteenth time is not a charm.” — Steve Davis, Austin Chronicle

Shattered: “The smooth-crotched erotic thriller equivalent of banging a G.I. Joe and a Barbie together.” — Richard Whittaker, Austin Chronicle

Categories
bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

Don’t Look Up: “McKay’s contempt for pop culture is frequently tiresome; he just doesn’t know how to let people enjoy things — even if it is their own destruction.” — Luke Goodsell, ABC News (Australia)

The Unforgivable: “Compressing a TV series down into cinema is the greatest crime here; The Unforgivable’s countless structural problems make that case without even trying.” — Andy Crump, Paste Magazine

Clifford the Big Red Dog: “My viewing experience was only enhanced by the child behind me, who is the film’s target demographic, yelling, ‘I don’t want to watch this! This is not a good movie!'” — Jonathon Sim, ComingSoon.net

Red Notice: “[H]its all the notes of an action blockbuster, but each note rings just a bit false. And as those false notes pile up, things get cacophonous…Red Notice might be a heist movie, but in the end, the most valuable thing stolen might be your time.” — Allen Adams, The Maine Edge

Last Shoot Out: “The genre cliches almost outnumber the bullets in this uninspired low-budget Western.” — Todd Jorgenson, Cinemalogue

Apex: “‘Apex’ should have been called ‘Nadir.'” — Tom Meek, Cambridge Day

Categories
humor

Perry Bible Fellowship Feed

When a site that should have an RSS feed doesn’t, sometimes the answer is just email the site owner and ask… which is what I did.

Hook it up in your feed reader: http://pbfcomics.com/feed.