Jeff Milner

The Smurfs: “It’s raw and mean-spirited, with too many of the Smurf word substitutions more naughty than nice (“Who Smurfed?” or “Where the Smurf are we?”). That’s Smurfed up.” — Nell Minow, Chicago Sun-Times

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D: “I was apparently dealt a faulty card and could not pull up any discernible aromas other than those of flop sweat and mild embarrassment.” — Peter Sobczynski, eFilmCritic

Shark Night 3D: “A ho-hum series of kills and lulls so predictable that it doesn’t even look like much fun for the sharks; when they open wide, they might as well be yawning.” — Adam Markovitz, Entertainment Weekly

Apollo 18: “For the most part, alas, this only goes to show that in space, no one can hear you yawn.” — Neil Smith, Total Film

Transformers: Dark of the Moon: “Director Michael Bay, Hollywood’s answer to the Antichrist, isn’t primarily interested in your soul, though his movie does a pretty effective job of sucking that away (and sucking, in general).” — Lou Lumenick, New York Post

Zookeeper: “Unfortunately, nobody had the good sense to call the comedy authorities and shut this Zookeeper down.” — Jennie Punter, Globe and Mail

Cars 2: “Cars 2 runs out of gas. It’s on fumes — and some of them pretty noxious. There may be enough color and motion to initially interest children, but the plot will lose them, and boredom may follow.” — Tony Macklin, tonymacklin.net

Bad Teacher: “If you’re looking for a funny comedy about a cynical, hard-partying school teacher transformed by his students into a paragon of pedagogical awesomeness, skip Bad Teacher and go rent School of Rock instead.” — Dana Stevens, Slate

Larry Crowne: “Even if you wander into this congealed mess with nothing more demanding in mind than to spend a little time with two charming favorites, do not expect Forrest Gump or Pretty Woman.” — Rex Reed, New York Observer