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bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

Fast Five: “Wow, the only way this film could be more ludicrous is if they actually cast Ludacris in it. Oh wait…” — Widgett Walls, Needcoffee.com

Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family: “Comedy is comedy, and ‘terminal illness’ is ‘terminal illness’ and the two really shouldn’t meet. What you end up with is a movie that’s literally as funny as cancer.” — Jim Slotek, Jam! Movies

Water for Elephants: “…a much larger group of potential ticket-buyers could have been tapped with a different title that I offer here for consideration: Twilight Under the Big Top.” — Sarah Boslaugh, Playback:stl

Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs Evil: “Parents should take their children to ‘Hoodwinked Too! Hood Vs. Evil,’ if only because kids are never too young to learn the important and liberating skill of walking out of a movie and demanding a refund.” — Kyle Smith, New York Post

Insidious: “Looking up the word Insidious in the dictionary is a more fulfilling experience than seeing the movie Insidious.” — Jordan Hoffman, UGO

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bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

Yogi Bear: “Yogi Bear may be smarter-than-the-average bear, but his new live-action-animated-mix flick is dumber-than-the-average-movie. Dumb with a capital D.” — Gary Wolcott, Tri-City Herald

The Rite: “You know what isn’t terrifying? Mules. Also not terrifying: mules with red eyes and baleful expressions. … It’s an extremely literal-minded and reverent horror movie (almost appropriate for a Catholic-school day trip) but never especially scary. Unless mules terrify you.” — Keith Phipps, AV Club

The Dilemma: “Is it too soon to pronounce something ‘the worst film of the year?'” — Daniel M. Kimmel, New England Movies Weekly

The Green Hornet: “There’s never been a worse superhero than the Green Hornet. … His qualifications for the job seem to be: 1. Having a limitless supply of money. 2. Having a side-kick that does all the work.” — Josh Jackson, Paste Magazine

No Strings Attached: “After the intensity of ‘Black Swan,’ it’s sort of jarring to see Portman in something as vapid and and inconsequential as this. Kutcher? It’s not quite so jarring.” — Stephen Silver, The Trend

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bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel: “This is perfect entertainment for those who find ‘Teletubbies’ and ‘Dora the Explorer’ to be a little too highbrow.” — Thomas Leupp, Hollywood.com

It’s Complicated: “This film about divorce and late blooming romance was so painful that it made my own divorce seem fun.” — Beth Accomando, KPBS.org

Did You Hear About the Morgans?: “Grant’s familiar, pained and rueful expressions start to look like an actor’s commentary on the film, not a character’s response to events within it.” — Christopher Tookey, Daily Mail [UK]

Nine: “The movie musical can still be a splendid bit of escapism. With Nine, the only thing you’ll want to flee is the movie theater itself.” —Bill Gibron, PopMatters

The Twilight Saga: New Moon: “The number one killer is that it’s two hours and 10 minutes long and the plot recycles itself over and over again.” — Eric Melin, Scene-Stealers.com

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bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

2012: “An eye-popping, insult to the intelligence strictly for the kiddies and crackpot doomsday enthusiasts.” — Kam Williams, News Blaze

The Men Who Stare at Goats: “Either someone missed the memo about other people’s LSD trips being a colossal drag, or else they fed it to a goat.” — Tim Robey, Daily Telegraph

The Fourth Kind: “going to great lengths to make us believe the events depicted in this movie are real, but it’s about as a real as the date I had with Jennifer Aniston in my dreams the other night.” — Willie Waffle, WaffleMovies.com

Couples Retreat: “during the shark attack . . . the sympathy was not necessarily with the humans in the water” — Andrea Chase, Killer Movie Reviews

Law Abiding Citizen: “Say what you will about Death Wish, but Charles Bronson was never boring.” — Glenn Whipp, Los Angeles Times

The Box: “Whatever you do, do not accept delivery of The Box, a package that doesn’t know where it is going nor how to get there.” —David Hiltbrand, Philadelphia Inquirer

Astro Boy: “a big selling point for my kids to see this movie was the line, ‘I have machine guns… in my butt?’ Viewer, be warned.” — Kevin Carr, 7M Pictures

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bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

Surrogates: “If robots had to make a movie without human help, Surrogates is what they might come up with. All the parts are visible, but there’s no soul to be found.” —Elizabeth Weitzman, New York Daily News

The Invention of Lying: “We cannot tell a lie: This one is missable.” —Rex Roberts, Film Journal International

Fame: “The new remake of the 1980 hit ‘Fame’ is not going to live forever and has clearly not learned how to fly.” —Dan Lybarger, eFilmCritic.com

Love Happens: “More truthful (equally generic) titles might include: ‘Death Happens,’ ‘Psychobabble Happens’ or ‘Lazy Screenwriters Make Love Happen Even If The Leads Have No Chemistry'” —Dan Fienberg, HitFix

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bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: “So, now you know, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is about as uncomfortable to sit through as running in a marathon with a bad case of the trots – and knowing is half the battle.” — Adam Tobias, Watertown Daily Times

The Final Destination: “It’s exactly like Final Destination 1, 2 and 3, but in 3D. Unfortunately, three-dimensional images do little more than show up the one-dimensional characters.” — Christopher Tookey, Daily Mail [UK]

The Time Traveler’s Wife: “Rarely does a movie make me so dearly wish I could come unstuck in time.” — Gregory Weinkauf, Huffington Post

Taking Woodstock: “While many of the characters are getting satisfactorily high, audiences are unfortunately left with a movie that’s only half-baked.” — Matt Brunson, Creative Loafing

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard: “It’s not that I was offended. It’s that I was bored by the attempt to offend me.” — Ken Hanke, Mountain Xpress (Asheville, NC)

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bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

I Love You, Beth Cooper: “Wants to emulate a John Hughes film, in much the same way that a crack whore wearing a dime-store tiara wants to emulate Queen Elizabeth.” — Eric D. Snider, film.com

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: “If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.” — Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs: “if you want some jokes that aren’t prehistoric, you’re better off letting this Ice Age defrost.” — Jeffrey Lyles, Gazette (MD)

Bruno: “The new Sacha Baron Cohen movie, ‘Bruno,’ really isn’t a movie at all. Calling it one is sort of like calling mutton the new white meat.” —Christopher Smith, Bangor Daily News (Maine)

The Proposal: “It sounds like a faint recommendation, but trust me when I say that calling it ‘not terrible’ is high praise indeed.” — Marshall Fine, Hollywood & Fine

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bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

Land of the Lost: “Would that a time machine actually existed that could somehow restore the 106 minutes spent watching Land of the Lost.” – Peter Keough, Boston Phoenix

The Hangover: “If a bachelor party bender is your thing, you’ve got company. I didn’t say taste.” – Jules Brenner, Cinema Signals

Star Trek: “It’s been thirty years since I last found myself at the movies, rooting for a black hole.” – Gregory Weinkauf, ÃœberCiné

Night at the Museum: Smithsonian: “As for this sequel, this is one exhibit that should be closed for the summer.” – Jeffrey Lyles, Gazette (MD)

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bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

X-Men Origins: Wolverine: “It is Hugh Jackman’s misfortune that when they were handing out superheroes, he got Wolverine, who is for my money low on the charisma list. He never says anything witty, insightful or very intelligent; his utterances are limited to the vocalization of primitive forces: anger, hurt, vengeance, love, hate, determination. There isn’t a speck of ambiguity. That Wolverine has been voted the No. 1 comic hero of all time must be the result of a stuffed ballot box.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: “Above all, it will make you long for a day when studio movies about relationships feel like they are by and for adults who have actually been in one.” – Melissa Anderson, Village Voice

Obsessed: “I don’t mind that Obsessed, is mindless, overheated, undercooked trash. I mind that it’s boring mindless, overheated, undercooked trash.” – Ken Hanke, Mountain Xpress

17 Again: “If you ever wondered what the High School Musical series would have been like without Zac Efron’s bad singing you have your answer in 17 Again” – Michelle Alexandria, Eclipse Magazine

The Soloist: “Just because The Soloist is about a homeless person doesn’t mean it should have pedestrian direction. But it does — pedestrian and clodhopping. …

What is remarkable is that Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey, Jr escape with their talent intact. They are the only reason to see The Soloist. They are sweet in a sour movie.” – Tony Macklin, tonymacklin.net

Categories
bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

The Watchmen:”The good news is that you don’t have to stay past the opening credit sequence—easily the highlight of the film.” – Anthony Lane, The New Yorker

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li:”If you thought they couldn’t possibly make a Street Fighter movie that was worse than the 1994 Jean-Claude Van Damme camp-fest, you’ll be unpleasantly surprised.” – Ethan Alter, Film Journal International

Paul Blart: Mall Cop:”The last name Blart may be the funniest thing in the movie, so that’s a hint as to just how bad this shopping-center saga can be.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

Miss March:”Forget waterboarding ” just show Guantanamo detainees Miss March and they’ll say anything.” – James Berardinelli, ReelViews