Category: bad review revue

Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn: “The tagline states, ‘Forever is only the beginning …’ After viewing this lifeless pap for mere minutes, we realize that it’s not a slogan at all. It’s a warning.” — Kimberly Gadette, Doddle

Jack and Jill: “Howard the Duck, Gigli, Showgirls, From Justin To Kelly. What do they all have in common? They’re all widely considered to be among the worst big studio movies ever made. You know what else they have in common? They’re all better than Jack and Jill.” — Mike McGranaghan, Aisle Seat

Immortals: “When Hyperion says of one character, “His pain has just begun,” you know exactly how he feels.” — Ty Burr, Boston Globe

In Time: “It’s an intriguing concept, rather than a compelling story. Before the movie’s over, its time is up.” — Moira MacDonald, Seattle Times

The Three Musketeers: “The trio of journeyman British actors who play the musketeers are a brusque, reasonably appealing lot, though they barely get enough screen time to know them. As the film’s conclusion makes clear, that oversight is intended to be redressed in a sequel. No, thanks. In this case, ‘One for all’ will do.” — Liam Lacey, The Globe and Mail

Courageous: “Fails to answer the more pressing question of why religious sagas such as this treat subtlety as a sin.” — Nick Schager, Village Voice

Real Steel: “Better than Transformers. I fear that if I lower the bar any further, I shall pinch my toes.” — Tim Brayton, Antagony & Ecstasy

The Son of No One: “Life is a struggle, the new film “The Son of No One” makes that explicitly clear. But so is moviemaking, and unfortunately the toil is all too evident in writer-director Dito Montiel’s messy, logic-strained third feature.” — Robert Abele, Los Angeles Times

The Rum Diary: “Maybe if you have a little rum before viewing you can enjoy the diary, I however was not impressed.” — Jolene Mendez, Entertainment Spectrum

The Smurfs: “It’s raw and mean-spirited, with too many of the Smurf word substitutions more naughty than nice (“Who Smurfed?” or “Where the Smurf are we?”). That’s Smurfed up.” — Nell Minow, Chicago Sun-Times

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D: “I was apparently dealt a faulty card and could not pull up any discernible aromas other than those of flop sweat and mild embarrassment.” — Peter Sobczynski, eFilmCritic

Shark Night 3D: “A ho-hum series of kills and lulls so predictable that it doesn’t even look like much fun for the sharks; when they open wide, they might as well be yawning.” — Adam Markovitz, Entertainment Weekly

Apollo 18: “For the most part, alas, this only goes to show that in space, no one can hear you yawn.” — Neil Smith, Total Film

Transformers: Dark of the Moon: “Director Michael Bay, Hollywood’s answer to the Antichrist, isn’t primarily interested in your soul, though his movie does a pretty effective job of sucking that away (and sucking, in general).” — Lou Lumenick, New York Post

Zookeeper: “Unfortunately, nobody had the good sense to call the comedy authorities and shut this Zookeeper down.” — Jennie Punter, Globe and Mail

Cars 2: “Cars 2 runs out of gas. It’s on fumes — and some of them pretty noxious. There may be enough color and motion to initially interest children, but the plot will lose them, and boredom may follow.” — Tony Macklin, tonymacklin.net

Bad Teacher: “If you’re looking for a funny comedy about a cynical, hard-partying school teacher transformed by his students into a paragon of pedagogical awesomeness, skip Bad Teacher and go rent School of Rock instead.” — Dana Stevens, Slate

Larry Crowne: “Even if you wander into this congealed mess with nothing more demanding in mind than to spend a little time with two charming favorites, do not expect Forrest Gump or Pretty Woman.” — Rex Reed, New York Observer

Fast Five: “Wow, the only way this film could be more ludicrous is if they actually cast Ludacris in it. Oh wait…” — Widgett Walls, Needcoffee.com

Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family: “Comedy is comedy, and ‘terminal illness’ is ‘terminal illness’ and the two really shouldn’t meet. What you end up with is a movie that’s literally as funny as cancer.” — Jim Slotek, Jam! Movies

Water for Elephants: “…a much larger group of potential ticket-buyers could have been tapped with a different title that I offer here for consideration: Twilight Under the Big Top.” — Sarah Boslaugh, Playback:stl

Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs Evil: “Parents should take their children to ‘Hoodwinked Too! Hood Vs. Evil,’ if only because kids are never too young to learn the important and liberating skill of walking out of a movie and demanding a refund.” — Kyle Smith, New York Post

Insidious: “Looking up the word Insidious in the dictionary is a more fulfilling experience than seeing the movie Insidious.” — Jordan Hoffman, UGO

Yogi Bear: “Yogi Bear may be smarter-than-the-average bear, but his new live-action-animated-mix flick is dumber-than-the-average-movie. Dumb with a capital D.” — Gary Wolcott, Tri-City Herald

The Rite: “You know what isn’t terrifying? Mules. Also not terrifying: mules with red eyes and baleful expressions. … It’s an extremely literal-minded and reverent horror movie (almost appropriate for a Catholic-school day trip) but never especially scary. Unless mules terrify you.” — Keith Phipps, AV Club

The Dilemma: “Is it too soon to pronounce something ‘the worst film of the year?'” — Daniel M. Kimmel, New England Movies Weekly

The Green Hornet: “There’s never been a worse superhero than the Green Hornet. … His qualifications for the job seem to be: 1. Having a limitless supply of money. 2. Having a side-kick that does all the work.” — Josh Jackson, Paste Magazine

No Strings Attached: “After the intensity of ‘Black Swan,’ it’s sort of jarring to see Portman in something as vapid and and inconsequential as this. Kutcher? It’s not quite so jarring.” — Stephen Silver, The Trend

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel: “This is perfect entertainment for those who find ‘Teletubbies’ and ‘Dora the Explorer’ to be a little too highbrow.” — Thomas Leupp, Hollywood.com

It’s Complicated: “This film about divorce and late blooming romance was so painful that it made my own divorce seem fun.” — Beth Accomando, KPBS.org

Did You Hear About the Morgans?: “Grant’s familiar, pained and rueful expressions start to look like an actor’s commentary on the film, not a character’s response to events within it.” — Christopher Tookey, Daily Mail [UK]

Nine: “The movie musical can still be a splendid bit of escapism. With Nine, the only thing you’ll want to flee is the movie theater itself.” —Bill Gibron, PopMatters

The Twilight Saga: New Moon: “The number one killer is that it’s two hours and 10 minutes long and the plot recycles itself over and over again.” — Eric Melin, Scene-Stealers.com

2012: “An eye-popping, insult to the intelligence strictly for the kiddies and crackpot doomsday enthusiasts.” — Kam Williams, News Blaze

The Men Who Stare at Goats: “Either someone missed the memo about other people’s LSD trips being a colossal drag, or else they fed it to a goat.” — Tim Robey, Daily Telegraph

The Fourth Kind: “going to great lengths to make us believe the events depicted in this movie are real, but it’s about as a real as the date I had with Jennifer Aniston in my dreams the other night.” — Willie Waffle, WaffleMovies.com

Couples Retreat: “during the shark attack . . . the sympathy was not necessarily with the humans in the water” — Andrea Chase, Killer Movie Reviews

Law Abiding Citizen: “Say what you will about Death Wish, but Charles Bronson was never boring.” — Glenn Whipp, Los Angeles Times

The Box: “Whatever you do, do not accept delivery of The Box, a package that doesn’t know where it is going nor how to get there.” —David Hiltbrand, Philadelphia Inquirer

Astro Boy: “a big selling point for my kids to see this movie was the line, ‘I have machine guns… in my butt?’ Viewer, be warned.” — Kevin Carr, 7M Pictures