The other day, while looking through an old hard drive of mine, I found a folder called “Random Internet Fun”, which was full of random comics and animated gifs that I suppose I collected over the years. I’ll post them here for posterity…
Category: humor
Categories
The Bad Review Revue
The Expend4bles: “‘The Disposables’ would describe it better.” — Brian Lowry, CNN.com
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3: “This awkward threequel is one wedding you’ll wish you didn’t RSVP to.” — Fay Watson, Total Film
Retribution: “The only jaw-dropping this thriller induces is yawning.” — M.N. Miller, Hidden Remote
Sound of Freedom: “It’s bizarre, unsettling and yet – in the filmmaking equivalent of turning wine to water – bracingly dull to boot.” — Ed Power, Daily Telegraph (UK)
Golda: “It’s not that insightful into who she was… Generally, it’s just a history of the Yom Kippur War, and it assumes you know a whole lot about it already.” — Andy Klein, FilmWeek (KPCC – NPR Los Angeles)
Meg 2: The Trench: “It’s a relief, after almost two hours of this silliness, to come up for air.” — Brian Viner, Daily Mail (UK)
This story by the AP and commentary by Gruber is just too good to not quote completely:
The Associated Press:
A woman was rescued Tuesday from an outhouse toilet in northern Michigan after she climbed in to retrieve her Apple Watch and became trapped. The woman, whose name was not released, lowered herself inside the toilet after dropping the watch at the Department of Natural Resources boat launch at Dixon Lake in Otsego County’s Bagley Township, state police said Wednesday in a release.
First responders were called when the woman was heard yelling for help. The toilet was removed and a strap was used to haul the woman out. “If you lose an item in an outhouse toilet, do not attempt to venture inside the containment area. Serious injury may occur,” state police said in the release.
Tim Cook had a good line in the keynote last week about people’s attachment to their iPhones and Apple Watches: “If you left either one at home, I bet you’d go back to get it.”
Home, yes. Outhouse, no.
It reminds about the guy who was caught dropping a $100 bill down the outhouse as his friend accidentally walked in on him. The friend asked him what he was doing. The guy responded, “I dropped $10 down there and there’s no way I’m climbing down there for 10 bucks!”
Categories
The Bad Review Revue
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts: “In all fairness, I think I might have enjoyed this film if I was nine years old.” — James Berardinelli, Reelviews
The Out-Laws: “The Out-Laws, a diversion at most, is streaming purgatory incarnate. It isn’t a movie to be devoured in one viewing, nor necessarily finished at all.” — Michael Frank, The Spool
65: “65 should only be recommended after one has run out of films to watch, which might not be for many years.” — Danielle Solzman, Solzy at the Movies
The Tutor: “I can’t decide if it’s so bad it’s good or if it’s just plain old bad.” — Christy Lemire, FilmWeek
The Flood: “Slagle and co. take the material so seriously — and not in a way that results in appealing camp — that there is barely any fun to be had here, period, regardless of the number of brewchachos consumed during its mercifully brief runtime.” — Steven Warner, In Review Online
Fast X: “Out of gas. Spinning its tires. Stuck in the ditch. Slid too far off the road. Grinding its gears. Crashed and burning with one wheel spinning. Insert your automobile cliche here.” — John Serba, Decider
Categories
The Bad Review Revue
Under the Tuscan Sun: “Who thought combining Under the Tuscan Sun with The Godfather was a good idea?” — Dustin Chase, Galveston Daily News
The Super Mario Bros. Movie: “It is the laziest possible version of a Mario movie, and for most viewers, young and old, that’ll be totally acceptable.” — Dylan Roth, Observer
Renfield: “To watch Renfield is to get the impression that someone made a successful elevator pitch, then panicked.” — Alan Zilberman, Spectrum Culture
Love Again: “Your heart will go on, and your eyes will look away in embarrassment.” — A.A. Dowd Chron
Big George Foreman: The Miraculous Story of the Once and Future Champion of the World: “This corny and awkward biopic of boxing champ George Foreman makes his unusual life look dreadfully formulaic. The entire movie is like a limp punching bag filled with nothing but hot air.” — Carla Hay, Culture Mix
Categories
The Bad Review Revue
Black Adam: “Should really be called ‘Bland Adam’.” — Brian Lloyd, entertainment.ie
Emancipation: “It’s a fantasy that can’t match the power of the photograph from which it’s derived.” — Adam Graham, Detroit News
Empire of Light: “There is a certain odour wafting out of writer-director Sam Mendes’s Empire of Light that approximates the stomach-churning scent of scalding, rancid butter ladled atop stale popcorn.” — Barry Hertz, Globe and Mail
Ticket to Paradise: “Ticket to Paradise has actors saying lines on locations and sets and enacting characters in a scenario, so one supposes it meets the technical criteria to be called a movie, but that is the absolute best thing that could be said about it.” — Matt Lynch, In Review Online
The Mean One: “Amateurish…I did not care for ‘The Mean One’ mess. I do not like bastardized Seuss, I confess.” — Roger Moore, Movie Nation
Categories
The Bad Review Revue
The Greatest Beer Run Ever: “One thing is abundantly clear: Smokey and the Bandit is still, and without much competition, cinema’s greatest beer run. And that movie managed to deliver a whole truckload of beer without doing any disservice to the Vietnam War.” — William Bibbiani, Consequence
Amsterdam: “To describe Amsterdam as an unfunny comedy would be unfair, because it’s so much more than that. It’s also a non-thrilling thriller and a not particularly mysterious mystery.” — Kyle Smith, WSJ
Blonde: “If you are hankering for a film where you are a toilet bowl and Marilyn Monroe pukes in your face, this film will not let you down.” — Bob Grimm, Reno News and Review
Luckiest Girl Alive: “[…] no one, especially not the viewer, is lucky.” — Amy Amatangelo, Paste Magazine
The Munsters: “There’s a hint of a decent origin story here but it all crumbles like a vampire at daybreak.” — Randy Myers, San Jose Mercury News
Categories
The Bad Review Revue
Jurassic World Dominion: “How many ways can you screw up a dinosaur movie? It seems like a slam dunk. The people are coming for the dinosaurs, so you give them dinosaurs. When you’re not doing that, just point your camera at Jeff Goldblum” — Chris McCoy, Memphis Flyer
Persuasion: “Austen works hard. But mediocrity, this movie reminds us, works harder.” — Rolling Stone
Morbius: “To call Morbius a corporate corpse of a movie is too kind.” — Matthew Pejkovic, Matt’s Movie Reviews
Where the Crawdads Sing: “Oh, the crawdads definitely sing in ‘Where the Crawdads Sing.’ Much of the time, you wish they’d shut the hell up.” — Chris Hewitt, Minneapolis Star Tribune
Alone Together: “One can’t help but wish that Holmes’ script would acknowledge that, on the sliding scale of March 2020 suffering, wealthy people sheltering in beautiful chateaus are pretty low.” — Aurora Amidon, Paste Magazine
Categories
The Bad Review Revue
Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore: “If you don’t like fantastic beasts in your ‘Fantastic Beasts’ movie, then this is the film for you.” — Doug Walker, Channel Awesome
Firestarter: “I hope nobody subscribed to Peacock for this. You got a lame duck instead.” — Korey Coleman, Double Toasted
Uncharted: “It’s not poorly written for a video game-based movie. It’s poorly written for a ransom note. It’s poorly written by the standards of online comment sections. It’s poorly written compared to an Ayn Rand novel. It’s that bad.” — Ryan Syrek, The Reader
Father Stu: “It feels like someone involved thought, ‘We’re going to win so many Oscars with this movie!’ In fact, the end result comes off more like one of those joke movies in Tropic Thunder.” — Edward Douglas, The Weekend Warrior
Memory: “I wish I could forget it!” — Christy Lemire, Film Week
Categories
The Bad Review Revue
The King’s Daughter: “January is often where bad films are stashed, but The King’s Daughter isn’t just bad, it’s a cloying, clichéd mess that’s not worth even the slightest risk of contacting COVID-19 to see in theaters.” — Mark Kennedy, Associated Press
Sensation: “Sensation wants to be a deep movie…[but] those depths rapidly become shallower and shallower until we’re left splashing in puddles. Ultimately, the only sensation you’ll get from this film is mild disappointment.” — Allen Adams, The Maine Edge
The 355: “The nicest thing I can say is it reminded me of a very funny scene in another movie.” — Chase Hutchinson, The Stranger
The Legend of La Llorona: “This umpteenth time is not a charm.” — Steve Davis, Austin Chronicle
Shattered: “The smooth-crotched erotic thriller equivalent of banging a G.I. Joe and a Barbie together.” — Richard Whittaker, Austin Chronicle