Henny Youngman

Jokes by Henny Youngman:

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, “Here’s your husband!” The man’s wife says, “Where’s his wheelchair?”

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The woman opens the door. “Where do you want these blinds, lady?”

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly too!”

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, “Let’s get up here before we get killed!”

Speaking of golf, the other day I broke 70. That’s a lot of clubs.

A bum asked me, “Give me $10 till payday.” I asked, “When is payday?” He said, “I don’t know, you’re the one who’s working!”

[Henny Youngman– Dailymotion]