Author: Jeff Milner

Categories
humor

The Grinch’s True End

An Open Letter
By John Moe

TO: THE GRINCH
FROM: MAX YOUR FORMER FRIEND AND DOG

Dear Steven,
It’s been several months now since you left and I remained here on Mt. Crumpet in the home we built together. I think it’s important that I share my feelings. I hate you Steven. Hate; hate; hate you.

For years we stood for something. We hated the Whos. Like we always said if it weren’t for Christmas and the Who’s infernal screeching of “carols”, we would have had absolute quiet all year long and isn’t that why we moved to Mt. Crumpet in the first place, Steven? Every December our meditation, gardening and literary work were shattered with “Wahoo-Boraice” or whatever that stupid song was. Have you learned it yet? Well have you? The Whos ruined our lives. Annually. And then you joined them. And why? WHY?! Because you heard them sing. Who was I living with all those years? Honestly, if you know, tell me Steven.

And, by the way, there was nothing wrong with your heart. I have, in our big file cabinet, a report from the Dr. that says while your heart was abnormally small (5th percentile), it was completely functional and unless you attempt to run a triathlon, you’re fine. And all that aside, your heart has nothing to do with your emotions. You left your Zoloft here, by the way. If you haven’t picked up a new prescription, I will send it down to you but you should really renew it.

Alone up here on Mt. Crumpet my thoughts have turned to that night. In retrospect, there were many mistakes. You shouldn’t have worn a Santa suit. Also you should not have engaged Cindy Lou Who — at all. I’m not sure what inverted Stockholm syndrome took place while I waited on the roof, but I do know that it all could have been solved with a hard shove and a quick exit. Additionally we should have stashed the Christmas crap and then left town right away … the shore, Cozumel, my parents’ place even.

But really the problem was the Whos. They’re stupid, Steven. People who get robbed and then sing with joy are stupid people. And now you’ve gone to live with them, in a ̬ what? Hut? — I can’t blame them anymore for being who they are. Perhaps I can’t even blame you for being who you evidently were all along. Perhaps I can only blame myself for seeing you as the one I spent all those years with. The one I thought shared my yearning for solitude and my deep and justified hatred for everyone else. But that was not you. You are a Who. Enjoy the roast beast. Whatever. Jerk.

Max

(Excerpt from Dear Luke, We Need to Talk, Dad Darth: And Other Pop Culture Correspondences)

Grinch letter (PDF)

Categories
culture philosophy

What You Can’t Say

What You Can’t Say is an interesting essay by Paul Graham about heresy: how to think forbidden thoughts, and what to do with them. So take the Conformists test,

“Do you have any opinions that you would be reluctant to express in front of a group of your peers? If the answer is no, you might want to stop and think about that. If everything you believe is something you’re supposed to believe, could that possibly be a coincidence? Odds are it isn’t. Odds are you just think whatever you’re told.”

Think about this, “We often like to think of World War II as a triumph of freedom over totalitarianism. We conveniently forget that the Soviet Union was also one of the winners.” But Graham goes much deeper than that. He explains that searching for popular misconceptions not only satisfies the curiosity and confirms whether you are right or wrong about a particular idea but it exercises the brain, “If you can think things so outside the box that they’d make people’s hair stand on end, you’ll have no trouble with the small trips outside the box that people call innovative.”

Categories
backmasking

Stairway to Heaven Backwards

I posted a link to my Stairway to Heaven Backwards page and got what I consider to be a pretty uninformed comment from someone by the nick “steal my handle”.

Here is what he/she has to say:

“too bad thats fake if you listen to the song backwards it dosent really say that, this guy just chopped up syllables to make it say that! and the beat wouldnt sound like that either! and why do you think he has it in flash? so you cant download it and reverse it!”

The fact of the matter is that I really did download Stairway to Heaven, then found the particular section of the song shown on the page, reversed it and got the reverse message as you hear it. I left the instructions right on the page explaining how to do it, but just remember if you are to do this yourself, don’t use the live version because I originally tried it with the live version and it didn’t work. I’ve been thinking that maybe I should put up an MP3 of the short forward clip so that people can test it for themselves. But not right now because the car is running (it’s -35 out and I’m keeping it warm) and we are off to a party.

Categories
Art humor

The Rocketpack Guide to making…An Independent Film

In an effort to educate the masses via easily drawn stick figures my friend Gavin has put together a quick step-by-step explanation of how indie films are made. New Media students and Drama geeks alike — take note.

Categories
law Politics

Another Stupid Anti-Terrorism Law

Brazillians are now finger printed, photographed, and are required to have travel visas to enter the United States. In a move to try and show the US how obtuse they have become Brazil is reciprocating.

Categories
Politics

A Poem By [George W. Bush]

In October of last year first lady of the United States of America, Laura Bush, related at a national book Festival Gala that her husband “Miserable Failure” George W. had written her the following poem.

Dear Laura,

Roses are red,
violets are blue
oh my lump in the bed,
how I’ve missed you.

Roses are redder,
bluer am I
seeing you kissed
by that charming French guy.

The dogs and the cat
they miss you too,
Barney’s still mad you dropped him,
he ate your shoe.

The distance my dear
has been such a barrier,
next time you want an adventure,
just land on a carrier.

Despite the fact that this poem seems like something of caliber that George W. Bush might actually be capable of, it turns out that in fact — he did not write it. The following is an excerpt from NBC NEWS’ MEET THE PRESS’s interview of Laura Bush by journalist Tim Russert.

MR. RUSSERT: Now, who could have written that poem, huh? I mean, what…

MRS. BUSH: Well, of course, he didn’t really write the poem. But a lot of people really believed that he did. That evening at the dinner, what some woman from across the table said: “You just don’t know how great it is to have a husband who would write a poem for you.”

MR. RUSSERT: Lump in the bed? What…

MRS. BUSH: Well, he did really call me that, of course, but…

MR. RUSSERT: Land on a carrier and you paid him back a little bit, huh?

MRS. BUSH: Yeah.

It’s not exactly like lying to congress and / or starting a war, and this is the first lady we are talking about here, not the President, but it stills makes me ponder — why the lie?

Categories
entertainment

It’s the End of the Year as We Know It!

… And I feel fine. To end off the year here is the mother of all lists. Have a happy new year!

Categories
Miscellaneous

IE 6.0 Won’t Let Me View Source

I noticed that for the last few months that IE 6.0 has stopped letting me view source on webpages. I finally did something about it today, if you are having the same problem follow this advice:

1. Make sure notepad.exe is still located in your \Windows directory and is working right. If it is missing or got replaced by a 3rd party app, restore it from your Install-CD. The View Source command does tie into Notepad.exe, with Notepad missing or being defective, it can’t work.

2. In Internet Explorer, go to Tools|Internet Options|General and delete the Temorary Internet Files. While you’re there, make sure you Temporary Internet Files folder isn’t too big, we noticed the problem occurs more often the bigger our folder was. Reduce it in size if you have this problem frequently.

3. If that is still not working, go to the \Windows\Temoprorary Internet Files folder on your harddrive and delete the files manually – incl. the index.dat file.

These steps cleared up the problem for me, at least temporarily.

Categories
Miscellaneous

What do Michael Moore, Jack Black, Gus Van Sant, James Carville, Janeane Garofalo and Moby All Have in Common?

They are the celebrity judges that will choose a winner from 1 of the 15 finalists in MoveOn.org’s anti-Bush political ad contest. Since the liberal advocacy group started the contest last October they have received more than 1000 ads all recorded in an effort to unseat President Bush.

Categories
movie

Jeff Milner Movie Review – Peter Pan

Last night instead of driving home to Canada in a blizzard, Anna, her siblings, and I went to see Peter Pan at the Jordan Commons Megaplex Theater. This Peter Pan movie closely follows the book version of the Peter Pan story. This was the best Peter Pan movie I’ve ever seen – (only Peter Pan movie I’ve ever seen, if you don’t count the Disney Cartoon or Disney’s Hook). I was quite looking forward to seeing it, however I felt a little disappointed when I actually got into the theater to watch it. Perhaps it’s because I’m too old (or to stubborn) to appreciate the idea of a flying boy talking to mermaids and fighting pirates but it seems to me that had I seen this movie at the age of 10 or even 14 I would have appreciated it a lot more. The Action / Adventure aspects of this movie were great but there was more to it than that. There was a subtle Romance / Coming of age story. Being that it was a PG movie there was a surprising amount of sexual tension between Peter and Wendy. The thing is though, that it was all done so discreetly that it’s hard to pin down what it is about the movie that makes one think there even is any sexual tension. Anyway not to go off on a tangent but it seems like a story that someone going through adolescence could really appreciate. I think the reason I haven’t given this movie a better review is that I just saw the Lord of the Rings Return of the King before this movie and frankly the two just can’t be compared and perhaps that is clouding my judgement.

Peter Pan will make a lot of money at the box office, it was sold out for many of the shows here in Utah and we were lucky to find seats once in the theater. If you are looking for a good flick and have already seen some of the other must see movies at the theatre then go see Peter Pan, otherwise just wait for it on video.