Category: bad review revue

2012: “An eye-popping, insult to the intelligence strictly for the kiddies and crackpot doomsday enthusiasts.” — Kam Williams, News Blaze

The Men Who Stare at Goats: “Either someone missed the memo about other people’s LSD trips being a colossal drag, or else they fed it to a goat.” — Tim Robey, Daily Telegraph

The Fourth Kind: “going to great lengths to make us believe the events depicted in this movie are real, but it’s about as a real as the date I had with Jennifer Aniston in my dreams the other night.” — Willie Waffle, WaffleMovies.com

Couples Retreat: “during the shark attack . . . the sympathy was not necessarily with the humans in the water” — Andrea Chase, Killer Movie Reviews

Law Abiding Citizen: “Say what you will about Death Wish, but Charles Bronson was never boring.” — Glenn Whipp, Los Angeles Times

The Box: “Whatever you do, do not accept delivery of The Box, a package that doesn’t know where it is going nor how to get there.” —David Hiltbrand, Philadelphia Inquirer

Astro Boy: “a big selling point for my kids to see this movie was the line, ‘I have machine guns… in my butt?’ Viewer, be warned.” — Kevin Carr, 7M Pictures

Surrogates: “If robots had to make a movie without human help, Surrogates is what they might come up with. All the parts are visible, but there’s no soul to be found.” —Elizabeth Weitzman, New York Daily News

The Invention of Lying: “We cannot tell a lie: This one is missable.” —Rex Roberts, Film Journal International

Fame: “The new remake of the 1980 hit ‘Fame’ is not going to live forever and has clearly not learned how to fly.” —Dan Lybarger, eFilmCritic.com

Love Happens: “More truthful (equally generic) titles might include: ‘Death Happens,’ ‘Psychobabble Happens’ or ‘Lazy Screenwriters Make Love Happen Even If The Leads Have No Chemistry'” —Dan Fienberg, HitFix

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: “So, now you know, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is about as uncomfortable to sit through as running in a marathon with a bad case of the trots – and knowing is half the battle.” — Adam Tobias, Watertown Daily Times

The Final Destination: “It’s exactly like Final Destination 1, 2 and 3, but in 3D. Unfortunately, three-dimensional images do little more than show up the one-dimensional characters.” — Christopher Tookey, Daily Mail [UK]

The Time Traveler’s Wife: “Rarely does a movie make me so dearly wish I could come unstuck in time.” — Gregory Weinkauf, Huffington Post

Taking Woodstock: “While many of the characters are getting satisfactorily high, audiences are unfortunately left with a movie that’s only half-baked.” — Matt Brunson, Creative Loafing

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard: “It’s not that I was offended. It’s that I was bored by the attempt to offend me.” — Ken Hanke, Mountain Xpress (Asheville, NC)

I Love You, Beth Cooper: “Wants to emulate a John Hughes film, in much the same way that a crack whore wearing a dime-store tiara wants to emulate Queen Elizabeth.” — Eric D. Snider, film.com

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: “If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.” — Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs: “if you want some jokes that aren’t prehistoric, you’re better off letting this Ice Age defrost.” — Jeffrey Lyles, Gazette (MD)

Bruno: “The new Sacha Baron Cohen movie, ‘Bruno,’ really isn’t a movie at all. Calling it one is sort of like calling mutton the new white meat.” —Christopher Smith, Bangor Daily News (Maine)

The Proposal: “It sounds like a faint recommendation, but trust me when I say that calling it ‘not terrible’ is high praise indeed.” — Marshall Fine, Hollywood & Fine

Land of the Lost: “Would that a time machine actually existed that could somehow restore the 106 minutes spent watching Land of the Lost.” – Peter Keough, Boston Phoenix

The Hangover: “If a bachelor party bender is your thing, you’ve got company. I didn’t say taste.” – Jules Brenner, Cinema Signals

Star Trek: “It’s been thirty years since I last found myself at the movies, rooting for a black hole.” – Gregory Weinkauf, ÃœberCiné

Night at the Museum: Smithsonian: “As for this sequel, this is one exhibit that should be closed for the summer.” – Jeffrey Lyles, Gazette (MD)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine: “It is Hugh Jackman’s misfortune that when they were handing out superheroes, he got Wolverine, who is for my money low on the charisma list. He never says anything witty, insightful or very intelligent; his utterances are limited to the vocalization of primitive forces: anger, hurt, vengeance, love, hate, determination. There isn’t a speck of ambiguity. That Wolverine has been voted the No. 1 comic hero of all time must be the result of a stuffed ballot box.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: “Above all, it will make you long for a day when studio movies about relationships feel like they are by and for adults who have actually been in one.” – Melissa Anderson, Village Voice

Obsessed: “I don’t mind that Obsessed, is mindless, overheated, undercooked trash. I mind that it’s boring mindless, overheated, undercooked trash.” – Ken Hanke, Mountain Xpress

17 Again: “If you ever wondered what the High School Musical series would have been like without Zac Efron’s bad singing you have your answer in 17 Again” – Michelle Alexandria, Eclipse Magazine

The Soloist: “Just because The Soloist is about a homeless person doesn’t mean it should have pedestrian direction. But it does — pedestrian and clodhopping. …

What is remarkable is that Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey, Jr escape with their talent intact. They are the only reason to see The Soloist. They are sweet in a sour movie.” – Tony Macklin, tonymacklin.net

The Watchmen:”The good news is that you don’t have to stay past the opening credit sequence—easily the highlight of the film.” – Anthony Lane, The New Yorker

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li:”If you thought they couldn’t possibly make a Street Fighter movie that was worse than the 1994 Jean-Claude Van Damme camp-fest, you’ll be unpleasantly surprised.” – Ethan Alter, Film Journal International

Paul Blart: Mall Cop:”The last name Blart may be the funniest thing in the movie, so that’s a hint as to just how bad this shopping-center saga can be.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

Miss March:”Forget waterboarding ” just show Guantanamo detainees Miss March and they’ll say anything.” – James Berardinelli, ReelViews

He’s Just Not That Into You: “Imagine an action flick in which the hero spends the entire movie chasing the villain without the satisfaction of smashing his enemy to smithereens.” – Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Friday The 13th: “Even Jason seems a little bored by it all. The scariest thing in the movie is the threat of yet another sequel at the end. I’d suggest a return to outer space. Much deeper this time.” – Kurt Loder, MTV

Confessions of a Shopaholic: “If there is a single bright spot in the financial crisis, it is the possibility that one day producer Jerry Bruckheimer will run out of money. In a more just world, this would have happened before he gave the green light to “Confessions of a Shopaholic,” a thin, largely unfunny comedy that marries lazy filmmaking with bad timing.” – Jessica Reaves, Chicago Tribune

Fired Up: “Oh, is this movie bad. The characters relentlessly attack each other with the forced jollity of minimum-wage workers pressing you with free cheese samples at the supermarket.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times

Bedtime Stories: “Bedtime Stories is not my cup of tea. Even the saucer. Fairness requires me to report, however, that it may appeal to, as they say, ‘kids of all ages.'” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

The Unborn: “About the only thing here that will haunt your dreams is the film’s final scene, which conveniently portends a sequel, something along the lines of “‘The Born: Jumby’s Revenge’. Now there’s true terror, my friends.” – Glenn Whipp, Los Angeles Times

Bride Wars: “If anyone asks you if you want to see Bride Wars, remember the right answer: I don’t.” – Connie Ogle, Miami Herald

Not Easily Broken: “The movie sinks beneath a great mass of clich’s until the audience has no choice but to wearily raise its hands in surrender.” – Jason Heck, Kansas City Star

Saw V: “It’s not a good sign when watching someone stick their hand into a table saw is easier than listening to them recite dialogue.” – Sam Adams, LOS ANGELES TIMES

Seven Pounds: “It’s like if The Empire Strikes Back opened with Darth Vader taking a paternity test. And once you know “or at least suspect” both what Smith’s cryptic plan is and what the film’s title refers to, there’s little else compelling about this sluggish, self-righteous downer.” – Kevin Williamson, JAM! Movies