humor – Page 11 – Jeff Milner

February 21, 2009July 28, 2019

The Bad Review Revue

He’s Just Not That Into You: “Imagine an action flick in which the hero spends the entire movie chasing the villain without the satisfaction of smashing his enemy to smithereens.” – Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Friday The 13th: “Even Jason seems a little bored by it all. The scariest thing in the movie is the threat of yet another sequel at the end. I’d suggest a return to outer space. Much deeper this time.” – Kurt Loder, MTV

Confessions of a Shopaholic: “If there is a single bright spot in the financial crisis, it is the possibility that one day producer Jerry Bruckheimer will run out of money. In a more just world, this would have happened before he gave the green light to “Confessions of a Shopaholic,” a thin, largely unfunny comedy that marries lazy filmmaking with bad timing.” – Jessica Reaves, Chicago Tribune

Fired Up: “Oh, is this movie bad. The characters relentlessly attack each other with the forced jollity of minimum-wage workers pressing you with free cheese samples at the supermarket.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times

February 20, 2009April 23, 2015

Free Puppies

Former President George W. Bush is jogging slowly down the street one day, and he sees a little girl giving away puppies that her dog just had.

Eager for a rest, he walks over the girl and says, “Howdy there, little girl. I see you’re giving away puppies and think it’s great that you’re doing such a good thing.”

The little girl says, “Thank you, Mister Bush. Would you like a puppy? They’re Republicans.”

Dubya declines the offer and jogs on down the road. As he’s jogging the next day he sees the same girl and decides to stop and talk to her again. “You know what, little girl? I think I’ll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they’re Republicans.”

The girl says, “I’m sorry Mister Bush, but they’re not Republicans any more. They’re Democrats now.”

Now a bit miffed, Bush says, “They are? How do you know they’re Democrats? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Republicans to begin with?”

The little girl looks up at him sheepishly and says, “Well, sir, just after they were born they were Republicans, but now their eyes are open.”

January 30, 2009April 8, 2014

Henny Youngman

Jokes by Henny Youngman:

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, “Here’s your husband!” The man’s wife says, “Where’s his wheelchair?”

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The woman opens the door. “Where do you want these blinds, lady?”

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly too!”

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, “Let’s get up here before we get killed!”

Speaking of golf, the other day I broke 70. That’s a lot of clubs.

A bum asked me, “Give me $10 till payday.” I asked, “When is payday?” He said, “I don’t know, you’re the one who’s working!”

[Henny Youngman– Dailymotion]

January 23, 2009April 23, 2015

Would You Remarry

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not — don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).”
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “Nope, she’s left-handed.” (via)

January 16, 2009April 8, 2014

Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns

(Another joke I received via email)
Dear Larry,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with a woman, our next door neighbour.

I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Jane

Response

Dear Jane:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Larry

January 15, 2009January 9, 2016

The Remnants

The Remnants is a post-apocalyptic comedy written and directed by John August and stars Justine Bateman, Michael Cassidy, Ben Falcone, Ze Frank, Ernie Hudson, and Amanda Walsh. It’s now available in it’s full length version: The Remnants.

Shot during the WGA strike in February 2008, it’s unlikely that this brilliant work will ever be anything more than a pilot.

For the past few months, the pilot has been shopped around to advertisers and other possible sponsors, but given the economy and my schedule, it’s looking unlikely that a confluence of money and time will lead us to shoot more. So I wanted to let people see it, particularly because it features some actors who should be on more lists. Including Ze Frank, who is now an Angeleno.

The web series business model has proved tough for everyone to figure out. Yes, Joss Whedon’s Dr. Horrible was fantastic, but even that couldn’t get the ad sponsors it should have. Selling through iTunes is an option for someone with Whedon’s name brand, but I don’t see it working for The Remnants, even given the recognizability of some of the cast members.

I retained rights to do other things with The Remnants, so I certainly may come back to it at some point in some other form.

Check it out.

January 10, 2009July 28, 2019

The Bad Review Revue

Bedtime Stories: “Bedtime Stories is not my cup of tea. Even the saucer. Fairness requires me to report, however, that it may appeal to, as they say, ‘kids of all ages.'” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

The Unborn: “About the only thing here that will haunt your dreams is the film’s final scene, which conveniently portends a sequel, something along the lines of “‘The Born: Jumby’s Revenge’. Now there’s true terror, my friends.” – Glenn Whipp, Los Angeles Times

Bride Wars: “If anyone asks you if you want to see Bride Wars, remember the right answer: I don’t.” – Connie Ogle, Miami Herald

Not Easily Broken: “The movie sinks beneath a great mass of clich’s until the audience has no choice but to wearily raise its hands in surrender.” – Jason Heck, Kansas City Star

Saw V: “It’s not a good sign when watching someone stick their hand into a table saw is easier than listening to them recite dialogue.” – Sam Adams, LOS ANGELES TIMES

Seven Pounds: “It’s like if The Empire Strikes Back opened with Darth Vader taking a paternity test. And once you know “or at least suspect” both what Smith’s cryptic plan is and what the film’s title refers to, there’s little else compelling about this sluggish, self-righteous downer.” – Kevin Williamson, JAM! Movies

January 9, 2009January 9, 2016

Husband Store

Via email forward:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These Men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

December 13, 2008October 19, 2018