Lasers

For my 19th birthday [a long time ago] my mom gave me a laser pointer which I enjoyed until the batteries died, and I haven’t thought much more about it since.

One of my favourite stories involving that laser is from when I was living in Salt Lake. We were visiting some other teens in their home and playing with the laser and the cat. For some reason cats seem to just love chasing the little red dot from a laser pointer.

The room was open between the living room and dinning room with about two or three stairs dividing them. A large corner couch sat in the living room and with a flick of the laser we had the cat running back and forth from the couch up into the kitchen and back down the stairs.

This particular cat seemed a little on the chubby side, but boy when it came to slapping his paws on the red dot, he could really move. He was incredibly fast even by speedy cat standards. He used his claws for extra traction and would chase it all over the room instantly appearing wherever the light shone. We were all cracking up.

One of the kids decided to take it to the next level. They wanted to see how far their cat would go. To get things started, the cat was attracted up into the kitchen where we were all standing. Next they briskly shot the light across the floor with the cat firing itself after it like Wile E. Coyote chasing the Road Runner. They shone the dot up on the wall in the very corner just above where the corner-couch sat. In one smooth motion the cat jumped up onto the cushion and then off the back of the couch and up as high as he could reach right onto the red dot on the wall. Then as if time stood still he made a couple of mid air-strides and quickly discovered his lack of flying ability. I’m certain at this point he wondered to himself why in the world he was finding himself six feet off the ground with no where to go but straight down. He dropped silently into the triangular shaped hole between the couch and the corner.

We were rolling on the floor laughing our heads off. Oh and he was mad at us. He jumped out from behind the couch, and looked extremely embarrassed and irritated. His fur was dishevelled and his eyes were red. Nothing was injured but his pride, however, no amount of persuasion could convince him to chase the little red dot.

I was reminded of this story when I came across these interesting videos of some newer lasers. The site claims they are all legal in the United States. They seem a touch too powerful for safe public use, so pets of the world, beware. (Luckily balloons and matches appear to be the main targets of the lasers in the videos).

The Jumper (a short story)

My friend Gavin writes short stories and posts them on the web so that we can indulge in a minute or two of his brilliance. I just read one of his excellent stories, The Jumper, and I loved it. If you don’t think it’s hilarious, you are probably an android.

Standing on a window ledge of the tall building, the jumper looked down at the police below and cupped his hands to his mouth.

“I can fly!” he screamed much to the delight of the growing crowd gazing up at him, “I know why it didn’t work last time… the drop wasn’t high enough! But now I’ll be able to do it. This time it’ll work. This time I’ll fly!”

Meanwhile, 15 stories below, Police Chief Marbles slurped the remains of his coffee and threw the empty styrofoam cup to the ground.

“Gimmi the megaphone, Lou,” he muttered, grabbing the megaphone from the junior officer.

“You there, on the roof!” he yelled into the microphone, “Listen to me. Whatever the problem is, we can help!”

Above them the jumper once again declared his intentions to fly.

Chief Marbles roled his eyes. Adressing the man in much the same way one addresses a child wearing a cape standing at the top of the stairs, he continued:”No, no. You cannot fly. If you jump, you will not survive–”

But it was too late; the man on the ledge had jumped into a swan dive. The mass of spectators gathered below gasped in a gleeful anticipation as he hurted toward the pavement.

And then they all suddenly went very quiet.

Much to the surprise of everyone on the street, about ten feet from the ground the man slowed his rapid descent, stopped, and then preceded to rise above them.

He then did a little barrel role.

The only sound to break this new stunned silence came from the whoosh of the flying man sailing through the air, interspersed with his triumphant giggling.

Indeed, now freed from the earthly shackles of gravity, the airborne man soared like a graceful bird above them all.

Back on the ground, Police Officer Lou stared in awe. “Chief, I think he really can fly!” he whispered.

Police Chief Marbles looked up and stroked an eyebrow with his little finger. The flying man was now doing loops and tumbles, with a look of shear unqualified joy across his wind-swept face.

“I see him Lou, ” Marbles sighed. “Well, that’s pretty damn near the freakiest thing I’ve seen in a while.”

The police chief frowned, trying to decided what to do next. Then it came to him.

“Shoot him down, boys,” he said.

The police officers raised their guns to the sky and fired.

Three seconds later, the flying man crashed to the ground with a reassuring thud.

Quotations by Douglas Adams

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

– Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

If you possess even the slightest sense of humour, then this page of quotations by Douglas Adams will have you in stitches.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: EXTRA-SPECIAL EDITION

Somebody sent this to me on an old Intel voice / chat program many years ago (betcha didn’t know Intel used to make software). Anyway I came across it today and thought I’d share.

Interior shot: Bespin Gantry — moments later:

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry.

A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft.)

Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No… I am your father!

Luke: No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true… and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…

Luke: No…

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… waahhh wahhh!”

Luke: Shut up…

Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon…

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong… You’re not my kid… I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine…

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

OH DEAR!

Here is a joke I found whilst stumbling around the Internet this morning:

—-

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

  • a half-gallon of 2% milk
  • a carton of eggs
  • a quart of orange juice
  • a head of romaine lettuce
  • a 2 lb. can of coffee
  • and a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk man standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk man slurred, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the stranger’s intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped him off to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk man touched the side of his nose twice, winked, and lisped, “‘cuz you’re ugly.”

—-

Happy Thanksgiving.

Alberta’s Debt is Paid Off

Ralph Klein was pleased to announce yesterday that the provincial debt in Alberta has finally been paid off. When questioned about where he got the money Klein apparently responded, “I finally got around to returning my empties.”

A Special Sense of Humour

A label that says: Nous sommes desoles que notre president soit un idiot. Nous n'avons pas vote pour lui

Cbrown posted this little gem via their blog, and I thought it worth mentioning.

I had to share this find. I recently purchased a high-quality computer sleeve from a small boutique manufacturer. I was checking if it could be washed. The photo is the attached tag with the washing instructions in both English and French. The English is exactly what you would expect and so is the French, for the first 6 lines. The last three lines of French are most interesting. “We are sorry that our President is an idiot. We didn’t vote for him.”

Update: Salon has an article about the french labels.

How Things Are Going in the Whitehouse

“Who’s on First” for the next generation.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.