Star Wars with Ron Howard

I’m really looking forward to the new Solo movie coming out later this month. Having Ron Howard as the director made the perfect opportunity for this Arrested Development Star Wars parody.

The Bad Review Revue

Rampage: “Johnson’s big opportunity for a memorable one-liner comes and goes with a sheepish ‘Well, that sucks.’ Touché, ‘Rampage.'” — J. Olson, Cinemixtape

I Feel Pretty: “The only thing you’ll feel after seeing I Feel Pretty is pretty damn crummy.” — AJ Caulfield, The Young Folks

Super Troopers 2: “It could almost be considered a subversive indictment of law enforcement, not to mention lowbrow humor. Almost, that is, if it were remotely funny.” — Pat Padua, Washington Post

Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare: “This gasser of a schlocky horror film should only be experienced on a dare.” — Courtney Howard, Fresh Fiction

Duck Butter: “It feels like we’re seeing the director’s cut of an IKEA commercial.” — Owen Gleiberman, Variety

The Bad Review Revue

The Mummy: “You only have to watch the trailer to know that Producer-Director Alex Kurtzman’s reboot of Brendan Fraser’s once-charming mummy movies is full of embalming fluid.” — David Sims, The Atlantic

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales: “The subtitle of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie is ‘Dead Men Tell No Tales.’ The moral of the movie, alas, is that the same cannot be said of dead franchises.” — Christopher Orr, The Atlantic

Baywatch: “Thank heaven for Dwayne Johnson, whose foot-wide smile will not be switched off, and who saves the life of the movie. Whether it deserves to be saved is another matter.” — Anthony Lane, The New Yorker

Snatched: “Snatched is a trip very much like the one it portrays: one that, in the end, does a pretty poor job of putting the ‘fun’ in ‘unrefundable’.” — Megan Garber, The Atlantic

The Bad Review Revue

The Girl on the Train: “My advice: disembark.” — Mike McCahill, MovieMail

Masterminds: “It’s just smart people acting like dumb people in a dumb movie.” — Matthew Lickona, San Diego Reader

Blair Witch (2016): “Even if there were no witches in the world, these idiots would probably get taken out crossing a busy street.” — Peter Hartlaub, San Francisco Chronicle

The Dressmaker: “‘The Dressmaker’ is only sew-sew.” — Stephen Whitty, New York Daily News

Suicide Squad: “The result is not so much Suicide Squad as Death by a Dozen Disappointments Squad.” — Christopher Lawrence, Las Vegas Review-Journal

The Bad Review Revue

The Huntsman: Winter’s War: “The script lifts so much plot from Disney’s animated Frozen that it could qualify as a remake. No one sings “Let It Go,” but my advice to audiences is to do just that.” — Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

The Boss: “Did they set out to make an even worse movie than 2014’s Tammy? Well, they did-crude, cruel, coarse and laughless.” Jim Lane — Sacramento News & Review

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice: “The film’s only other notable ingredients, sadly, are the most rumbling soundtrack since Earthquake, a lot of jaw grinding by Ben Affleck, some narrative confusion remarkable even by director Zack Snyder’s standards, and… hours and hours of your time.” Stuart Klaxons — The Nation

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2: “Here’s an invitation to decline.” Linda Cook — Quad City Times

Meet the Blacks: “The movie as a whole is such an incompetent train wreck, you can’t look away, just to see how much worse it can get.” Christy Lemire — RogerEbert.com

The Bad Review Revue

Gods of Egypt: “Gods of Egypt is a movie that requires more effort to sit through than it did to make it.” — Will Leitch, The New Republic

Triple 9: “Worth the $15 to get out of the cold.” — Mike Ryan, Uproxx

Risen: “Risen never rises, if you will, above the material.” — Maitland McDonagh, Film Journal International

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2: “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny isn’t so much a continuation as a Xerox copy with cheap toner.” — Jordan Hoffman, Guardian

Zoolander 2: “Stumbles down the runway like an overdressed supermodel with two left feet.” — Steve Davis, Austin Chronicle

The Bad Review Revue

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip: “The next time the chipmunks make something together, I hope it’s a fur coat.” — Kyle Smith, New York Post

The Forest: “The clichés are so thick, sometimes you can’t see ‘The Forest’ for the cheese.” — Stephen Whitty, Newark Star Ledger

Point Break: “The new version of ‘Point Break’ is pretty dumb. But in other ways, it’s not like the original at all.” — Eric D. Snider, ericdsnider.com

Pan: “Given how much of Pan is frustratingly wrongheaded, the whole thing should have been given the hook long before it ever hit theaters.” — Christopher Lawrence, Las Vegas Review-Journal

The Himalayas: “If someone had pushed the film cans for The Himalayas off a mountain, we’d be all the better for it.” — Diva Velez, TheDivaReview.com

The Bad Review Revue

Entourage: “Once again, nothing happens, just for longer.” — Simon Miraudo, Student Edge

San Andreas: “Exactly the movie you suppose it to be, except in one, absolutely crucial regard: it’s weirdly allergic to fun.” — Tim Brayton, Antagony & Ecstasy

Aloha: “Between the lush tropical scenery and the beautiful faces in the cast, there’s plenty for the eyes, but not much for the brain.” — Todd Jorgenson, Cinemalogue.com

Poltergeist: “Monster House director Gil Kenan doesn’t desecrate the grave of the original, but nor does he offer any convincing reason to raise it from the dead.” — Mark Kermode, Observer [UK]

Home: “Home is where my heart wasn’t, at a screening where even children didn’t seem excited to be. The father snoring next to me had the right idea at the wrong volume. Hiding a catnap behind 3-D glasses only works if you don’t give yourself away.” — Steve Persall, Tampa Bay Times

The Bad Review Revue

Hot Pursuit: “It’s actually, actively worse than you think it’s going to be.” — Christy Lemire, christylemire.com

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2: “If you find yourself in front of a screen where Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is playing you only have yourself to blame.” — Greg Wakeman, cinemablend.com

The Longest Ride: “You probably think The Longest Ride is about some mixture of young love and bull riding. If you think that, you are about half right.” — Mike Ryan, Uproxx

Get Hard: “The oft-repeated gags about prison rape and the frequent racial stereotypes become such a drag that solitary confinement might be a welcome break.” — Travis Hopson, Examiner.com

Little Boy: “A confused mess of Christian morality parading as entertainment, and one that no benevolent God would wish upon the world.” — Collin Brennan, Consequence of Sound