Categories
life

I’m Finished Classes

I finished my last class a couple weeks ago and today the marks are in. It feels so good to be finished school. Now I’m on the prowl for an internship—the only thing between me and my degree.

I’m hoping I’ll be able to work for a video game company in Vancouver, though, I’m also considering a couple of other opportunities here in Alberta, and in the States. Since I’ve been learning French (on my own) lately, I might also like to go to Montreal, but I don’t really have any specific leads there.

Working at the International Centre has awoken in me a strong desire to go out and see the world. I’ve begun to think about what I’d like to do after I’m truly done school. Of course plans might change depending on where I’m working and who I’m with, but I’m thinking for my next big trip I’d like to go all over Europe and perhaps make a stop in Iran. (Is it too taboo to say that?) I have an ex-roommate from there and I’d love to visit him.

I can’t say for sure when any of that would happen since I still have a long way to go paying off student debts, but it’s exciting to dream anyway.

Categories
life religion

My Beliefs

It’s a little over a week until Christmas. I haven’t been feeling any wonderful tingly feelings about it. It probably has a little to do with my religion-less life coupled with my failed engagement last Christmas. Being alone during the holidays really sucks.

I suppose I shouldn’t be too hard on myself by calling it a “failed engagement” because, as she tried to convince me anyway, it was destined for failure. I think she only did it in the first place to please her mother. She claimed afterwards that she just doesn’t want to get married ever—to anyone; or date me anymore; or talk to me ever again for that matter! C’est la vie—I guess. It still feels like a dirty trick.

But despite my lack of belief and probably because of my failure to make any new meaningful relationships lately, I went to church today. Not the boring Mormon church that those who know me might expect. This was a local non-denominational church where the singing packed a heavy emotional punch and the sermon was given by an experienced pastor. I enjoyed singing the familiar Christmas tunes (to a guitar accompaniment I might add), but just the same, I don’t think religion and I are ever going to reconcile in any meaningful manner or on any kind of permanent basis. It was, however, nice to get out.

I have been asked by a couple of friends if I now consider myself not just an agnostic but a full blown atheist. To which I must honestly answer yes.

As far as explaining why I am going the whole hog and not just stopping at agnosticism (in an attempt to hedge my bets) I will point you to something Douglas Adams had to say on the subject. This is from an interview he did with American Atheist for their 1998/1999 Winter publication. He had grown up in a religious background and as a teenager was a committed Christian. One day while walking down the street he heard a street evangelist and, dutifully, stopped to listen:

“What astonished me, however, was the realization that the arguments in favour of religious ideas were so feeble and silly next to the robust arguments of something as interpretative and opinionated as history. In fact they were embarrassingly childish. They were never subject to the kind of outright challenge which was the normal stock in trade of any other area of intellectual endeavour whatsoever. Why not? Because they wouldn’t stand up to it. So I became an Agnostic. And I thought and thought and thought. But I just did not have enough to go on, so I didn’t really come to any resolution. I was extremely doubtful about the idea of god, but I just didn’t know enough about anything to have a good working model of any other explanation for, well, life, the universe and everything to put in its place.”

Being brought up in a home that emphasized the importance of intelligence and education in combination with religion and integrity I spent a considerable amount of time trying to sort through the pain of intellectual dissonance. How could I reconcile the inconsistencies and outright mistakes of religion with what I felt was obviously right, just, and logical. I decided religion and I were breaking up and at the age of 21 I finally quit cold turkey. I’m glad it didn’t take me any longer.

I’ve since been fascinated with evolutionary biology and one of my many regrets about high school was that I never took any biology classes. I was fortunate, though, to date someone who had a first year university biology text-book and in reading it I discovered that there is a fascinating and perfectly reasonable alternative to belief in supernatural creation ex nihilo. It’s called evolution and it’s not just a hypothetical best guess. It’s an actual provable attribute of nature. Sure there may be a few gaps in the exact history of every single evolutionary adaptation, but advancements are coming in all the time and there are already enough documented and repeatable scientific experiments to convince anyone who cares enough to learn the cold hard facts.

Douglas Adams reports a similar experience as he continues:

But I kept at it, and I kept reading and I kept thinking. Sometime around my early thirties I stumbled upon evolutionary biology, particularly in the form of Richard Dawkins’s books The Selfish Gene and then The Blind Watchmaker and suddenly (on, I think the second reading of The Selfish Gene) it all fell into place. It was a concept of such stunning simplicity, but it gave rise, naturally, to all of the infinite and baffling complexity of life. The awe it inspired in me made the awe that people talk about in respect of religious experience seem, frankly, silly beside it. I’d take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day.

I can hear the more intelligent group of my religious friends and relatives thinking, “but isn’t it possible to believe in God while still understanding that evolution exists?”

Certainly it may be possible to believe in God but why should I? What reason (and I do mean this in the most logical sense of the word) is there to go back to believing? And even if I did choose to return to my blissfully ignorant state, why specifically should I choose to follow the tenants of Mormonism or even Christianity over some other group’s indoctrinating beliefs? Better service projects? (Actually that’s one of the best reasons I’ve come up with.)

But I digress. I’m still very much fascinated by the idea of religion and at times I even take part in religious discussions within the bloggernacle (wikipedia link). I find myself occasionally playing the devil’s advocate for belief in Mormon doctrine but on the whole I’m a non-believing fakester. (For those of you that I might have happened to teach and baptise during my year long stint as a missionary in Salt Lake City, you’re probably expecting some kind of explanation. In my defense, I can only say, I really believed it at the time and I’m sorry to have tricked you. I hope you have found happiness in a way that I never really could and I also hope that overall it has been a positive experience for you.)

Have I found any positive experiences in religion? It has made me who I am and I’m grateful for that but I certainly wouldn’t do it again. It has also depressed me tragically. I have, for the most part, been happier since I quit going to Church than anytime I can recall throughout my life, albeit I occasionally miss the social aspects.

What has surprised me about living this so-called godless life has been the fact that nothing really changed. All of the good things in my life that I used to attribute to god blessing me have continued. I am still a very fortunate person. I now look at good and bad fortune as being merely chance—I don’t credit any outside force acting upon my life. It has inspired me to realize I can’t sit around and wait for a miracle, if I want to be successful I don’t need to pray for help, I can do it on my own.

I remember when I started swimming for the University, at times I thought about praying for help to keep going (perhaps my coach will say I should have prayed) but I learned that I could do it if I just persevered.

Categories
life

New Roommate

My new roommate moved in today. Everything seems to be working out nicely for me. I think I’m just inherently lucky.

Categories
life swimming

U of L Intramurals Water Polo

My team won the University of Lethbridge’s intramurals water polo championships for this semester tonight!

Shaun Eden, one of the guys on the team, is trying to organize a club team next semester that will play against the University of Calgary’s and University of Alberta’s teams. Too bad I most likely won’t be around.

Categories
life

Foresters Securities Fiesta!

I went on a date.

My friend Steve is a financial advisor (at least I think that’s his title) for Foresters Securities (Canada) Inc. Anyway, on Wednesday night Steve organized a Foresters sponsored Salsa and Latin Dancing at Fiesta del Sur. I was just going to show up solo but I ran into a friend in the parking lot at the University and as luck would have it she agreed to go with me.

We had a very good time snacking on tortilla chips and learning to Salsa dance. Afterwards we hit up the Starbucks at Chapters for some pastry goodness.

I am not certain at this point, but things went nicely and I think there might be some potential there… I’m just going to take it slow and see what happens.

Categories
education games life

Tuesday Night Video Game Class

Tuesday was the evening of my Video Games class. The semester is winding down and I really need to get working on my final project — not to mention finish up some other somewhat overdue items.

I’ve been asked by some friends what the class is actually about. In it we talk about everything from gameplay and graphics to the cultural and philosophical implications of popular (and sometimes less popular) video games. The professor shows video clips from rare or unusual games and we learn about different genres and how things like setting and ambiance change the mood of a game.

We also talk quite a bit about gender stereotypes, violence, and the way the media portrays video game culture. It’s pretty clear that although there may be statistics out there claiming a lot of girls play video games, there are only two girls in the class and 30 very nerdy boys. (They’re not all nerds, some of us are in there doing research for blog postings). But seriously there are a couple of fairly nerdy guys in that class that drive me insane. Before this semester I wouldn’t have believed it possible to become THAT immersed in video games.

I think the most ironic thing for me is, now that I’m in the class I’ve probably played less video games than I did all summer, and yes playing video games is a requirement. I can’t explain it, but I guess it just goes to show — I’ll do anything to avoid doing homework.

Categories
life Sport

The Water Polo Finals

This Monday will be the last intramurals water polo game of the semester. My team is in the finals and it’s going to be quite the match. We’re going up against the number 1 team and to my knowledge I don’t think they’ve lost a game. The last time we played them we barely lost but I happened to be held up and missed the first half, so maybe things will be different this time.

As for last Monday’s semi-final game, it started out pretty rocky when they scored on us twice right off the bat. We came back strong though and in the end we won 15 to 5. Not a bad score for a semi-finals match.

Categories
friends life

The Stages of Grief

The Scoville Family Reunion has a lot of us thinking about our grandparents. My grandpa died during heart surgery about 16 years ago and it’s been just under a year since the family was together for my Grandma’s funeral.

It was a sad time but many of us were able to take solace in the fact that my grandma’s death was a release from the years of suffering with alzheimer’s and what had become a joyless life.

I overheard my mom talking about how she’s still quite saddened by the loss and how someone at work suggested she take time to truly “grieve”. She said she didn’t really know what the person meant by grieving. Hadn’t she been grieving on and off this whole time?

I googled “stages of grief” and found this list:

  1. Denial
  2. Bargaining
  3. Anger
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance and Hope

I immediately related it to my own situation with Anna. Her decision to move away and date other people feels to me, for all intensive intents and purposes, just as great a loss as I could have had. I realized that I have been going through my own grieving process.

The first strong feeling I had when Anna announced to me that she wanted to call of the wedding was denial. In fact I was in so much denial that I couldn’t even ask her what was bothering her, I just flat out refused to believe that she was actually calling it off. I insisted that what she was feeling was just cold feet and it would pass. Looking back, I think she understood my reaction to indicate that I didn’t care about her concerns.

The next strong emotion I felt was anger. I was angry that Anna was ending what I thought was a great relationship. I was angry at her for not talking about her concerns, and most angry at her for telling me that she didn’t even want to see me again. I was furious that she had called off our engagement over the phone, and now that I was in Vancouver – where she was – she didn’t want to see me before I left for 7 weeks to Malaysia, and potentially didn’t want to ever see me again.

Next I felt a combination of confusion, hurt, and guilt. I wanted to do anything to have her back, and I tried to bargain with her. But my bargaining skills were horrible. I did meet with her in Vancouver, trying to show her that I cared and later I told her I would pay for her to come to Malaysia with me, and when that didn’t work I told her I would buy her gift upon gift. She told me not to waste my money, so I didn’t. I knew that I hadn’t done anything “wrong” per se, and so I asked her plain out to just give me another chance. I tried to take all the blame for what supposedly went wrong but all I accomplished was convincing myself that I did in fact do something wrong. I explained to her that I was trying to do everything she wanted, but her response was that trying wasn’t enough. She made some joke that if I thought it was, then perhaps I had watched too much Sesame Street as a kid. Ouch.

She did try and make me feel better by admitting that I shouldn’t feel guilty because she didn’t really have a reason for breaking up other than she didn’t feel in love with me anymore. She told me that she had only been kidding herself and that she had been “faking love” since before we were engaged. She hadn’t felt truly in love for months. She explained that she still thinks I am a great guy and she would even recommend to any of her friends to date me, but that for her, she just didn’t feel it was right.

Of course I have been sad since the beginning of the break-up. Being in Malaysia I tried to hide it as much as possible, but by the time I returned home, some serious depression set in. I had the job at the University to distract me through July, but the deep sadness returned when my job ended. In addition, Anna decided that in order for her to get over me, she would stop communicating with me. She has always maintained that she would like to remain friends with me (an idea that causes eyes to roll when people hear about it) but whether or not she intends to keep in touch with me in the future, the present void that’s left behind has been a tremendous downer.

All of this has left me bouncing around between these emotions. I have only recently begun to feel the more positive acceptance and hope. I am able to see that though I think her decision is a bad one for her – short-sighted and impulsive, it will work out for the best for me. I guess I should consider myself lucky.

I’m not sure if reading my story is going to help the average person better deal with grief, but writing about it helps me understand that the way I’m feeling is very normal and that I’m close to moving on completely. Just as the pain of death heals with time, so do the pangs of divorce (we weren’t married but for all intents and purposes…) and you know what they say: “The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.” It’s been four months. It’s high time I found someone new.

Categories
life video

Golfing

I went golfing yesterday with my sister, Jackie, and her husband, Glen. I may not have mentioned it before, but Glen is actually a tremendously excellent golfer, (in case you couldn’t tell by his Titleist hat). He used to be a golf pro and still wins the occasional tournament. It was fun to have him there to watch him play and for him to give me some pointers.

I have to say, he was impressed with some of my moves too. In fact he claims that he has never before witnessed someone hit the ball of their own shin. So other than the shin incident, I didn’t think I was so terrible of a golfer for someone that had never golfed before. Here is a video of my powerful swing (2mb).

Categories
life

A Police Story

Just Hangin' AroundTonight Gary, Tracie, my dad and I went for a walk over to the World’s Tallest Tepee. We took a few photos on our way.

Being over at the Tepee reminded me of a pretty interesting story, which now that I’ve had a few years to get over it, I’ll now relate to you — the internet. I should mention that now looking back on the situation I can see things more from the cops point of view especially as the world seems to get crazier and crazier with terrorist bombings and RCMP shootings. But this story takes place in the year 2000, at a time when terrorism wasn’t such a buzzword and the idea that some random guy with a gun at the tepee seemed so far fetched that I never even considered the possibility that I could be mistaken for that random guy.

Having said all that it was still traumatic for me and the cops did make a couple of harsh mistakes in handling the situation.

The night of excitement happened on the 21st of June, 2000 but before I get started though, I need to go back a few months, to February of that year.

My friend Geoff and I were feeling pretty bored so we decided to make something out of wood with my Dad’s shop tools. I’ve never been overly into building things but my friend wanted to make a toy gun, one that would eventually be painted silver to look authentic. We worked on them for a couple of days, cutting, sanding, and crafting realistic looking toy guns. It was just for the fun of creating something — had I known what would happen with that imitation I probably never would have even cut the first piece of wood. After its completion, I sort of lost interest in it. I never even bothered painting it, but Geoff didn’t mind, so he took it home and added the finishing touches. When I got it back a month or two later I never really did anything with it. It just sat around the house collecting dust.

World's Tallest TepeeOne day my friend Janie came over to visit the family. She and I decided to go over to the Tepee (yes the World’s Tallest Tepee) and take pictures wearing eccentric costumes and holding that now infamous wooden prop.

We took a few photos posing with the wooden creation. We took a few more without it. There was a gentleman that happened to be visiting the tepee with his kid. I noticed him acting kind of funny when he jogged to his car and left his son behind. It was really weird though, the way his kid was left standing there. I just thought maybe he was late for something, and he yelled to his kid to hurry up after him. It didn’t seem to me like he thought the toy was real but as it turns out the guy was a retired police officer from Ontario. He was about to call 911.

We happened to set the toy aside and climbed up on the lower part of the tepee. I heard sirens in the distance. Thinking back I even wondered if somehow maybe that guy thought we had a gun and called the cops, but then I thought, “no that’s ridiculous — anyone could tell this is a wooden gun”. The sirens faded and we continued to take pictures.

The cops showed up in force and we were surrounded by two officers in uniform with their hand pistols drawn but pointed at the ground. I got the sense there were other officers nearby for backup. We were hanging from the tepee and (as silly as this is) I wondered if we were in trouble for climbing it. They told us to get down and to kneel on the ground with our hands above our heads. (Remember at this point I didn’t even have the toy gun near me). We got down and a third cop cocked his shotgun (creating a loud “CHK-CHK” sound purely for effect) and whipped around a corner of a nearby building with his weapon pointed right at our heads.

Up until this point Janie seemed to think the whole idea of the cops coming for us was kind of funny. Her nervous giggling stopped when she exclaimed, “Jeff! He has a real gun and he’s pointing it right at our heads!”

The first cop – the one that had done all the talking to us up to this point, and the one that appeared to be in charge, got on his radio and asked the shotgun wielding cop if he was pointing his gun at us. That cop, the youngest of the three, took his aim off of us and radioed back that no, he was not aiming his shotgun at us (the liar).

I figured they wanted to see the toy gun and I explained that I didn’t have it with me, that it was on the stands nearby. The young cop looked upset that we didn’t even have it on us. I tend to think that maybe at this point he was feeling a little guilty for aiming his weapon at us and putting our lives at risk.

The cops decided they would confiscate the gun which I didn’t really understand. I couldn’t see that as far as the law was concerned that there was any difference between this toy gun that I had made and a toy gun that you might buy at a store. The cops wouldn’t hear me, the decision had been made, the gun would be taken and later destroyed. I suggested that they destroy it then and there but they said no. I wanted to actually see it destroyed if that is what they said they were going to do.

I wasn’t in any trouble, though the cops assured me that what I had done was extremely serious, and that we were lucky they didn’t make us lay down prostate with our faces in the dirt. The incident put me into quite a state of shock, and I felt like I was the victim here — after all they robbed me of something I made without any real explanation as to the law I broke.

I worked hard on that toy and I wanted it back. A family friend and lawyer told us that, in fact, no law had been broken and that we should go down to the police station the next day and get it back. He explained that if they won’t give it to us, then he would go down there and get it himself.

I had my parents call the police station and find out what the deal was. (In an unrelated coincidence the officer in charge that night was an old student of my Dad’s PhysEd class at Hat High.) My parents left a message for him and a few hours later he returned the call. However they were out and though I didn’t want to speak to him myself, he asked me to.

During the conversation he told me that the law in Canada defines a weapon as “anything which a person actually uses or intends to use to cause death or injury. It also includes any item which is designed, used or intended for use to threaten or intimidate.” So for example a beer bottle is not a weapon until a person decides to use it to threaten, to intimidate, or to hurt someone.

Well I said to the cop on the phone, I didn’t use the toy gun to threaten or intimidate, and as far as I could see it was no different than if I bought a toy gun from the dollar store and furthermore that they had no right to steal it from me. He got pretty mad and told me that if I didn’t drop it, he would press charges and that it could be decided in court. I asked him (and I have to be kind of proud of myself for not backing down especially considering how traumatic the event was to me at the time), “For what? It’s a toy gun. I didn’t use it as a weapon. What did I do wrong?”

The cop got really loud. He told me he didn’t want to talk to me. I told him that that was fine and that I personally never wanted to talk to him in the first place. I reminded him that he was the one who called here! He really lost it at that point and started yelling at me. Now what I said next isn’t something I would normally say but I was pretty upset and felt very violated, but as it turns out I’m glad I did. I told him that if he needed I could have my lawyer contact him. He quickly declared in a loud voice — trying and failing to sound completely serious — “Oh good, because I love talking to lawyers!” I’m not sure why he said that. I had him completely flustered. I know full well that NOBODY enjoys talking to a lawyer especially when they know they’re in the wrong. It led me to think it’s the part of his job that he hates most. I told him that if he didn’t want to give the gun back to me or my parents, that my attorney already offered to pick it up for me.

I really felt extremely horrible. I couldn’t believe the way he was trying to intimidate me like that. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong and I wondered if I would ever see the gun again. I have to add that this cop was pretty much as big of a jerk of a police officer as I’ve ever encountered.

World's Largest TepeeA few days later I did get the painted wooden gun back. Over the years things have really changed in my own understanding of what it’s like to be a police officer. We’ve seen terrible things happen in the news and you can’t help but have a lot of respect for what the police do. If I think about it, I can only imagine how stressful it must have been for them when they got a call telling them that someone was waving a pistol around at the tepee. Then they get to race over there with their sirens blasting and their imaginations bouncing off the walls thinking about what’s going to happen. They still shouldn’t have pointed a loaded weapon at our heads while we knelt on the ground, going on nothing but the word of some semi-anonymous phone caller but at the same time something I didn’t realize — I was getting older, I didn’t look like an innocent kid playing cops and robbers.

In the end I did get my toy gun back, but the police kept to their story that they never pointed their weapons at us and never ever explained what it was that I officially did wrong. I’ll always know what actually happened that day and although the police put us in danger by aiming a loaded weapon at our heads, it’s pretty obvious that I shouldn’t have been posing with a toy that looked so real. Also it’s important to try and understand the stress the police are under and I guess I understand that the reason they don’t want to admit to any wrong-doing is that it could seriously tarnish their reputations and potentially cost them their jobs.

After all is said and done, I’m just glad that this instant wasn’t one of those cases where some unarmed person — like myself — got shot because of a jumpy cop. For that we can all be thankful.