Categories
humor

Emoticon War

This has got to be the best use of emoticons ever. Personally, I’ve always preferred smileys in text format. ;)

Hit play or watch Emoticon War on Current.

Categories
bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

The Watchmen:”The good news is that you don’t have to stay past the opening credit sequence—easily the highlight of the film.” – Anthony Lane, The New Yorker

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li:”If you thought they couldn’t possibly make a Street Fighter movie that was worse than the 1994 Jean-Claude Van Damme camp-fest, you’ll be unpleasantly surprised.” – Ethan Alter, Film Journal International

Paul Blart: Mall Cop:”The last name Blart may be the funniest thing in the movie, so that’s a hint as to just how bad this shopping-center saga can be.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

Miss March:”Forget waterboarding ” just show Guantanamo detainees Miss March and they’ll say anything.” – James Berardinelli, ReelViews

Categories
humor

McSweeney Jokes

I’ve been enjoying the jokes from McSweeney’s.

Call me a food snob if you want, but I’m not apologizing for having a favorite gas-station hot dog.

My girlfriend was bi-curious until she found out it had nothing to do with speaking a second language.

I knew it was time to trim my beard when crazy panhandlers started offering me their spare change and that was where I stashed it.

Have you ever been so stoned that you crashed your car into a tree? Then did you get out of your car and see there wasn’t actually any damage from the accident—not so much as a scratch on your bumper? Then did you notice that there also wasn’t any tree? When you were finally able to calm down and get back in your car to drive away, were you embarrassed to realize that all along it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror?

Me neither.

Categories
humor

Notes From Craig

I like this collection of interesting notes posted by Craig.

I’M PRETTY SURE I’VE INVENTED A TIME MACHINE. ALL GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN I’LL MATERIALIZE RIGHT HERE AT 11:37AM ON FRIDAY. THIS IS JUST A COURTESY NOTE TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE NOT STANDING IN THIS PLACE AT THE TIME. THINGS MIGHT GET QUITE MESSY IF YOU ARE.

(via)

Categories
humor

That’s What She Said

I once had a teacher who complained outside of class about a couple of my friends’ behaviour in class. He said that basically, what they do is, carefully sift through everything that’s said in class and try to make a joke about it. He said the real problem was that they’re actually REALLY funny. How do you discipline someone for joking around when you can barely keep a straight face?

I can only imagine the scene that culminated in this detention slip:

Student detention slip for thats what she said joke

I like how the teacher had to try and bring the tone down by adding, “these inappropriate comments are made to often” after realizing that the detention slip reads as a workable joke.

(via)

Categories
bad review revue

The Bad Review Revue

He’s Just Not That Into You: “Imagine an action flick in which the hero spends the entire movie chasing the villain without the satisfaction of smashing his enemy to smithereens.” – Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Friday The 13th: “Even Jason seems a little bored by it all. The scariest thing in the movie is the threat of yet another sequel at the end. I’d suggest a return to outer space. Much deeper this time.” – Kurt Loder, MTV

Confessions of a Shopaholic: “If there is a single bright spot in the financial crisis, it is the possibility that one day producer Jerry Bruckheimer will run out of money. In a more just world, this would have happened before he gave the green light to “Confessions of a Shopaholic,” a thin, largely unfunny comedy that marries lazy filmmaking with bad timing.” – Jessica Reaves, Chicago Tribune

Fired Up: “Oh, is this movie bad. The characters relentlessly attack each other with the forced jollity of minimum-wage workers pressing you with free cheese samples at the supermarket.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times

Categories
humor

Free Puppies

Former President George W. Bush is jogging slowly down the street one day, and he sees a little girl giving away puppies that her dog just had.

Eager for a rest, he walks over the girl and says, “Howdy there, little girl. I see you’re giving away puppies and think it’s great that you’re doing such a good thing.”

The little girl says, “Thank you, Mister Bush. Would you like a puppy? They’re Republicans.”

Dubya declines the offer and jogs on down the road. As he’s jogging the next day he sees the same girl and decides to stop and talk to her again. “You know what, little girl? I think I’ll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they’re Republicans.”

The girl says, “I’m sorry Mister Bush, but they’re not Republicans any more. They’re Democrats now.”

Now a bit miffed, Bush says, “They are? How do you know they’re Democrats? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Republicans to begin with?”

The little girl looks up at him sheepishly and says, “Well, sir, just after they were born they were Republicans, but now their eyes are open.”

Categories
humor

Henny Youngman

Jokes by Henny Youngman:

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, “Here’s your husband!” The man’s wife says, “Where’s his wheelchair?”

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The woman opens the door. “Where do you want these blinds, lady?”

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly too!”

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, “Let’s get up here before we get killed!”

Speaking of golf, the other day I broke 70. That’s a lot of clubs.

A bum asked me, “Give me $10 till payday.” I asked, “When is payday?” He said, “I don’t know, you’re the one who’s working!”

[Henny Youngman– Dailymotion]

Categories
humor

Would You Remarry

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not — don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).”
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “Nope, she’s left-handed.” (via)

Categories
humor

Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns

(Another joke I received via email)
Dear Larry,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with a woman, our next door neighbour.

I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Jane

Response

Dear Jane:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Larry