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Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns

(Another joke I received via email)
Dear Larry,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with a woman, our next door neighbour.

I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Jane

Response

Dear Jane:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Larry

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The Remnants

The Remnants is a post-apocalyptic comedy written and directed by John August and stars Justine Bateman, Michael Cassidy, Ben Falcone, Ze Frank, Ernie Hudson, and Amanda Walsh. It’s now available in it’s full length version: The Remnants.

Shot during the WGA strike in February 2008, it’s unlikely that this brilliant work will ever be anything more than a pilot.

For the past few months, the pilot has been shopped around to advertisers and other possible sponsors, but given the economy and my schedule, it’s looking unlikely that a confluence of money and time will lead us to shoot more. So I wanted to let people see it, particularly because it features some actors who should be on more lists. Including Ze Frank, who is now an Angeleno.

The web series business model has proved tough for everyone to figure out. Yes, Joss Whedon’s Dr. Horrible was fantastic, but even that couldn’t get the ad sponsors it should have. Selling through iTunes is an option for someone with Whedon’s name brand, but I don’t see it working for The Remnants, even given the recognizability of some of the cast members.

I retained rights to do other things with The Remnants, so I certainly may come back to it at some point in some other form.

Check it out.

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NBA Team Heat Maps

Heating up or cooling down? Obsessionism.com graphs NBA teams by their last five years of stats. This appears, at first glance, to be a pretty good indication of how the teams will do this year.

NBA Teams stats 2003-2008

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The Bad Review Revue

Bedtime Stories: “Bedtime Stories is not my cup of tea. Even the saucer. Fairness requires me to report, however, that it may appeal to, as they say, ‘kids of all ages.'” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

The Unborn: “About the only thing here that will haunt your dreams is the film’s final scene, which conveniently portends a sequel, something along the lines of “‘The Born: Jumby’s Revenge’. Now there’s true terror, my friends.” – Glenn Whipp, Los Angeles Times

Bride Wars: “If anyone asks you if you want to see Bride Wars, remember the right answer: I don’t.” – Connie Ogle, Miami Herald

Not Easily Broken: “The movie sinks beneath a great mass of clich’s until the audience has no choice but to wearily raise its hands in surrender.” – Jason Heck, Kansas City Star

Saw V: “It’s not a good sign when watching someone stick their hand into a table saw is easier than listening to them recite dialogue.” – Sam Adams, LOS ANGELES TIMES

Seven Pounds: “It’s like if The Empire Strikes Back opened with Darth Vader taking a paternity test. And once you know “or at least suspect” both what Smith’s cryptic plan is and what the film’s title refers to, there’s little else compelling about this sluggish, self-righteous downer.” – Kevin Williamson, JAM! Movies

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Husband Store

Via email forward:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These Men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.